Anniversary bullshit

I sit here this afternoon, wondering how we came to end up in this state. At moments I feel claustrophobic; an urgent need to get away from you. What remains of yesterday is no longer what you accused me of, not even the fact that you accused me, but that you walked out of the house while I was sleeping and never bothered to say a word. Truth be told, that's all I can think about when I open my wardrobe and I see all your clothes gone, or when I take a shower and I see all your toiletries have disappeared - a constant reminder of how you left.

Even now as you lay there behind me, my mind revolves around your bags still packed on the sofa and thoughts of how you could've done that. I will never know and I will never ask. Things have changed, or rather, overnight I have changed. I no longer know what to say to you or how to feel for you. At the end of the day I will always remember what happened and wonder how hard I should try or whether its even worth it. I can no longer find the will to fight for what I want or maybe right now, I no longer want to. I do not feel any warmth for anything right now. Finally I truly understand Nick's words, for I have turned into the same shell of a person.


I miss my boys. Don't ever leave.