Wednesday, April 22, 2009
It's breakup season
I think with Melbourne relationships, every year there comes a particular "season", for lack of a better term, when most couples decide to end their time together. Funnily enough, this seems to be the time. How awful. Everybody's in tears. Well, tough luck. Join the crowd. Welcome back, cold-heartedness.. *sigh*
I wish the world would be more alert, more observant, less.. stupid. Stop asking questions. I don't have the answers. Rather, I don't know how to phrase the answers. Stop asking. Just stop. Stop reminding me. I'm still alive; that's all that counts. I'm still here talking to you. That must count for something.
With the rest of the universe crashing down around me, I'm picking myself up and dusting myself off. Slowly but surely. I'm now back to eating two meals a day. Which is a major bonus, even if I only sleep in 30-minute bursts. At least I sleep. I haven't weighed myself since the start because I'm terrified of what it'll say. All I know is that my clothes are no longer fitting, and I've fallen sick again.
Rubbish.. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about anything. Just zombify around the house, around the people. Try to keep myself calm and push the anxiety lurking beneath away. As long as I smile, everything is okay. That's all that matters. You couples, go choose another time to breakup. This is my moment. Idiots. Not sharing with you =P
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Easter long weekend was a joyyy and then Monday came and highlighted the ending of something I had thought was wonderful. Alas, good things don't last forever and now there's no turning back. Only moving forward. No more rubbish sentimentalities. I keep telling myself I've given up but I know that somewhere deep down inside, I am still always hoping. And then I quell that thought by reminding myself that I've given up and then I'm now on the hunt for something better - something fun and perhaps even short-lived. After two years, I deserve a little bit of fun, no?
Although.. I do like the fact that now, people are starting to talk to ME as a person. I'm acknowledged as me, rather than as somebody's partner. In a way it feels really good. And then I bump into him somewhere and everything doesn't feel so good for that split second. But I walk away smiling as if everything is okay, surrounded by others, and I start feeling good again.
Somehow I know ame dearest won't be too happy to find out all I've been up to while she's away. I hope she'll understand.. and I hope she won't judge. All I want is a little bit of fun to make me happy. Maybe some company too. Especially now that she's away. Even Daryl's not coming back tomorrow as planned. Bullshit sucks *whines*
Jennifer left this place at 5:13 AM | 0 comments
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As I watch you sleeping soundly, I feel an immense ache in my heart. You are the only one for me; no one else could ever take your place. Every day that I spend with you brings you closer to my heart. Watching you grow over the past three years, listening to you snore as you sleep soundly, hearing you whimper in your dreams - they're all a comfort to me. You are the only one who awaits me longingly. The one who watches me leave each time with sadness in your eyes. Whose eyes become alight with joy when you know I've returned. You've accompanied me through so many ups and downs, I can no longer imagine life without you. I watch your excitement at the littlest things and your contentment pleases me. I think about the fact that you will leave me one day and my heart breaks at the thought but there's nothing I can do but hold you tighter in my arms and treat you with all the love I can give.
I love you with all my heart; the love of my life..
Please don't leave me; stay with me forever
Jennifer left this place at 5:10 AM | 1 comments
i always choose to leave at the wrong times!! hahahah don't worry i'll be back soon (as much as a lie that really is).. to make it all better, present pile has begun!! hahha!! (: love you dearrr miss youu.. hate the internet here!
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J: So what is this?
E: *shurgs*
J: No, seriously, let's have a conversation..
E: *whines* I don't like conversations..
J: Why are things so complicated?
E: *silence*
J: What is this? Is this something where u dun actually wanna be with me anymore but you don't want anyone else to be with me? Is that it?
E: Errr.... yeah
J: So what? You want me to be single for the rest of my life?
E: No la.. that would be very selfish of me, right?
J: *silence*
Hahaha.. what does one say to that? So I pushed him everyday to make up his mind. Just once a day; nothing more - "So.. have you made up your mind yet?"
Finally today I was rewarded with a sad look on his face and a "you don't need me to say it, right?"
Man.. the last time I heard that line in the same context was when I was in Year 9 or so. Bloody hell. At least this time I took it with a smile on my face. As opposed to the rage boiling inside my chest and the desire to yell "Get the !@#$ out of my house~!!" I'm being nice, and I don't know why. But I'll continue to be nice. And I'll never know why.
Now Ame is gone and I'm back to being alone in this ever-crowded house. I like the crowd. It stops my engulfment. The only thing I don't like about it is when the crowd leaves and I'm left behind to deal with the emptiness. Hurry back, people. Hurry back!
Jennifer left this place at 3:44 PM | 0 comments
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..........
Why does my brain move so fast? I can't structure my sentences fast enough!
*pause*
Let's try this again.
You blew a massive whirlwind at me, and now that it's gone past, I'm can only stare blankly at the havoc and destruction that you've caused in my life. I walk around blindly in a daze, still able to smile, still able to laugh, yet not quite knowing what it is exactly I'm smiling or laughing at.
Why do you have to make things so complicated? Does a simple yes or no not suffice? But still, I know hearing that no would break my heart enough that I would be weak and succumb into the pathetic idea of begging you to not leave. Having done that, I'd regret it almost instantaneously. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be pathetic. What do I do? Do I keep my pride, pretend to move on and not call you, and never find out if you might have returned, or do I sink myself low enough to give up all pride, my ever important pride, to beg you and risk finding out that you never ever want to come back? Could I survive that?
An endless string on questions, not quite certain if I want to know the answers. Somebody, guide me please. I've lost my way in this darkness and I can't seem to find my way back. I'm acting like a sick puppy, though others might guess but not know the full extent of it. My random breakdowns. My cries for help. My overnight-turned insomniac. Me - who was capable of sleeping 12 hours a day, anytime I wanted, now an insomniac. Oh, the irony.
I look out my window and see the sun shining brightly as I walk through the empty streets of my mind. I gaze to the pile of fur lying on its back next to me, face stretched upward, legs wide open. It comforts me that at least someone in this room can sleep so comfortably while I face another sleepless night. I take solace in the fact that I know if I decide to move on, I'll be sleeping 16-20 hours a day. More than enough to make up for what I've missed. Not that it's appropriate. Not that I really care right now.
What do I do? What do you want? What should I do? Oh! - Make it stop, make it stop; make it go away!
On a really random note.. why are blogs so depressing these days? Everybody only talks about the shitty things in life. Where did all the good things go?
Jennifer left this place at 8:32 AM | 0 comments
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