Alone once again

I end up in this situation all the time. The person I depend upon the most will turn out to be not quite who I expected him/her to be. And the disappointment in that blow sucks. I think maybe it's me. My expectations of the closest people around me are so high that I'm headed only for disappointment. Unfortunately, it is still Christmas, so I'm trying to keep my cheer going until the night ends. Then I can let go. Alone once again.

The worst thing about this is that I know that if I were in KL at this moment, I wouldn't be ignored. Kenneth wouldn't have said he was too busy to talk to me right now because he's at his friend's place. Doesn't matter whether I'm crying or not. Bottom line is, he's busy and can't help me. Maybe I'm being hypocritical when I say had I been in his position I would've dropped everything to help someone who needed me. But what I'm trying to say is that he wouldn't have done that if I was in KL. Besides, if he did, I wouldn't have cared. I would have just gone out. Somewhere. Anywhere. At least there'll be places open. Here, I'm stranded alone. With no one to help me along this path. Nowhere to go. Just staying right here.

Everyone's right where they belong. Having fun with friends and family. I don't begrudge them. I just envy them. A lot. I wish I could be doing the same. I wish I had someone I could really rely on. Lonely, is the word. And I'll always be for a long, long time to come. Or even if I didn't have someone I could really rely on, just to be able to go out and have heaps of fun to forget what's going on for a while would be great.

I'm going to leave this post for now. I'll explain everything in detail tomorrow or later when I'm feeling a little bit better. Right now I just feel cold.