It's all good now

Well, it's not really.. but it's close enough.

And so now I'm gonna explain about yesterday. Well, I had a big fight with my sister regarding her two 'fuck-buddies' as she calls them. It got blown out of proportion and ended up with me shouting at her that i didn't know who the hell she was n that she definitely wasn't my sister. So in an unofficial manner, I kinda disowned her. *sigh* Yah huh.. the only person I turn to whenever I need someone, I have chased out of my life. Yech... Ah well.. I believe I have my reasons for it. Anyway, while I was distraughtly crying over this matter, I figured I needed somebody to talk to me, just to talk to me. I didn't really wanna talk about what had happened. But I just wanted some sort of company. Gerald's in Brunei n he's got no phone so i can't contact him, my aussie friends who have all gone home wouldn't understand. The only one who would understand is Winnie and she'll chastise me for what I said to my sis, so she's out too. I racked my mind for somebody, anybody who I thought could help me and I thought of Kenneth. Desperately, I smsed him,"Are u free? Can you talk to me? Need help." n the reply I got was,"Eh.. Will b free later... At friend's place now.." Ahaahhaha...that got more tears out of me.

I started wondering.. that maybe I have lived my entirely in a manner that ensured that I would have nobody whenever I really needed someone. That sucks. But in that moment, I told myself to get over it. Told myself that never, ever again will I ever be in a situation where I'll feel as if I needed someone. Which was why I felt "cold"

But it's okay now. I will always be cautious.. and I'll always try to avoid any situation that would hurt me. Yes, call me a coward. But I hope that if I ever were caught in such a situation ever again, that I would have somebody to help me. Even just one person. Being helplessly alone sucks, I must say.

I wonder why I can't just open up to people. I mean, does it matter how close I am to someone before I confide in them? If I needed someone to talk to me about just anything, will Jeri not count? No offense Jeri. I mean, I know that any other time I would have. It's just that this yr we kinda drifted apart n i dunno her very well anymore. Or that's what I think anyway. And if Jess had been here, I would've gone over to her place in an instant, just for company the way I did the last time. But no, she's not here. And I don't have anywhere to go. Dammit, lonely as hell.. Ahahha.. well I know better next time yeah? Make LOTS n LOTS of friends. Doesn't matter if they're superficial. At least u have company when u need it. I mean, I don't like confiding abt the stuff that disturbs me. I just want to be around people so that I don't dwell on it. *sigh* well if there's anybody out there who's willing to offer a helping hand, i'm all ears.. Muahahaha.. lame pathetic ass

edit:// ooh...~!!! my sis deleted the post on the blog that sparked the argument between us.. Akakaka... that's kinda funny. Ironic shit. But anyway, I dun suppose I should be calling her my sis anymore. She's Elissa now, isn't she? Just plain ol' Elissa, even if a little cheap. *wink* sigh.. i dun mean that. Or i dun want to anyway