A note to keep in mind

I'm kinda terrified.. Iris called me two nights ago asking about what happened between me n Aun Joe. Apparently one of her friends is a friend of Aun Joe... Err... can't get away from him. I thought that it's all over oredi and I can try n get beyond it but bloody hell it's all coming back. I'm so fearful of what's going on.. So fearful of what she knows, what she's heard and why she wants to know more. I wonder whether it's genuine curiosity or a more sinister motive behind it. Sorry, Iris. No offense. It's not that I think badly of Iris... It's just that the incident with Aun Joe hurt me quite a lot and if she does tell other people about it after I've confided in her, I dunno if I can handle it. I mean, normally I wouldn't mind if something I told someone was told to other people.. but not this. I'm still recovering from it. I still ponder over it at times. And I wonder whether he thinks of me the way I think of him. Probably not. He probably never stops to think about how I am. In fact, he probably never thinks about me. Full stop. So Iris, maybe one day I could tell you exactly what happened.. But right now I'm so fearful of what u might do with what I told u. There's this huge conflict within me cos I wanna confide in someone.. I wanna just pour it all out to someone who knows him and I wanna tell it all to you, but at the same time I wanna protect myself from getting hurt by him in any way, direct or indirectly.

And so I wonder whether I'm a cynical being. Is it just me? Is there some genetic fault in me that says I cannot trust people? I mean, one has to be understanding. Why should I confide in my friends around me when I see them gossip about what other people confide in them all the time. I mean, among Jessica, Winnie and me, Jess n Winnie always tell me the things that Angie tells them about her personal life. So I wonder, if they can do it to Angie, can't they do it to me too? Isn't that right? So why should I trust them not to gossip about my personal life the way they do about Angie? Maybe I'm just being afraid. Finding excuses not to trust people because I'm afraid to get hurt. That's entirely possible. But it's also possible that I haven't found the right person yet. Someone that doesn't need to ask me what's wrong; only know that something is wrong and wait me out. No need to cajole me into telling what's wrong but just spend time with me n try to keep my mind of things for a while. Just till i'm ready to talk. And to know the right things to say when I've let it all out. Not to say,"It's no big deal. It'll all be okay in a while" but to say something more comforting because it's not okay at the moment and that's all that matters right now. That's the kind of person that I would be really comfortable telling my troubles to. I'm still looking for that person. Or maybe that person is already there but I can't see it. ahahha... i dunno anymore. I just dunno. I'm just gonna wait it out. And with all good luck i'll find that person while I'm here. and soon.