Things have changed! .... have they?

As I find myself delving back into the past, I'd like to think that I've become a different person. That I'm not as self-centred as I used to be. That I'm not as spoilt as I used to be. That I'm not as selfish as I used to be. Perhaps even maybe not as bitchy as I used to be. I'd like to think that I've outgrown my 12,13,14-yr old self and that as an 18 turning 19 year old lady, I have in some sort of way or form become a little bit more mature than I was 5 years ago. I hope.


But somehow as the days turn into weeks turn into months, I find myself reverting back to my old self over the minutest details. Minutest, is that even a word? Geez, even my vocabulary has reverted back to its old self. But as I was saying, it's always over the smallest things. Things like my best friend telling me that he didn't tell me his girlfriend was coming over because he wanted a low profile. And I can feel my bitchy self going "Well, it's not like you're gonna be high profile just cos she's here". I can feel it raging in my heart but all that comes out of me is ".... okay.. so much for friends, huh?"


Here's something to think about. Why should I suppress it? To be a 'better' person? Which one is a better person though? One who pretends to be all nice and sweet and considerate and patient and tolerant etc etc etc in other words FAKE, or one who's honest about their every feelings, letting you know when they are hurt by the things you do or don't do and appreciating all the things you've ever done for them? Wouldn't the second be more humane? Rather than a preset robot? Should I suppress my inner child any longer for the sake of other people? For the sake of people liking me for what I'm not? I don't know. You tell me. I'm losing my best friend, so you tell me what to do.