State of mind : fucked up

Just a little something for you, if you so happen to read this.

I think I'll teman you tonight la. Instead of going hardkandy.

No no no.. you think? I thought this was the kinda thing couples did for each other automatically.. Without thought. I'm not gonna ask you to stay home for me. In fact, pay close attention to what I told you to do. Go. Go for hardkandy. Go and have fun. No point you staying home just cos Dave's coming already and I'm feeling lonely and scared. Yeah. So what if your girlfriend's having a massive panic attack that she hasn't been eating or sleeping well since before she even left Melbourne? So don't pretend you don't know. Cos you do. Not that you care, of course. No big deal. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself, right? Like I take care of you? And then get yelled at for it? Yah. Thanks. I hope you enjoy your Christmas and New Year. I really hope you do. Listen to me closely when I tell you I spent more time on Christmas Eve with everyone else than with you. And listen to me when I say that it's going to be the same tonight. Christmas. And it's going to be the same a week from now. New Year's. Yeah it's going to be the same.

I don't understand!! WHY?? Why would you rather spend X'mas with other ppl other than me? Why do you put so much attention on two girls who happen to be your friends' girlfriends and not yours? Why can't you take my money when you know it would mean so much to me that I don't even care if I have to $5 million to have you here? Why are you so different from what I had planned my entire life? What have I done? How did I get here? You make it sound like I'm the one with the issues. Put your pride aside for once la. Try and think about someone who happens to need you now. Not that you're there for her. Like she's always been there for you. Maybe this is karma. My bad. I'm sorry.

Fuck la! I'm so angry. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Either I'm beginning to open my eyes. Or i'm being poisoned. Lol. I don't even know whether it's a good thing or not. No offence, yeah? I don't mean it in a bad way. God knows I appreciate all you've done for me. =)