Thursday, March 31, 2005
It's Thursday already?
Damn, only 3 more days before it's time to go back to uni. Argh..
*sigh*.. but at least i made the most out of the Easter break. I think. I did spend lots of time socializing n not enuff time studying as sort of was the plan. It was good fun, but not quite the lifestyle i want to live, if it was a choice. Unfortunately I think I need to learn to be less dependant on my sis. It's kinda difficult cos I lived every single day of life in Perth awaiting for the moment of reunion with my sis and sometimes it doesn't seem to be like I expected. She's got her own life and she's moved on from me. She's got people around her n I'm no longer a necessity in her life. Only she craves my companionship whenever there's nobody else around. That's what I'm for. I'm not quite certain that's what I want. So I'm living a false life. Going clubbing n drinking so many times in a week simply cos I wanna pretend that I don't need her. Pretend that I'm having so much fun without her. Perhaps in time, I'll even fool myself into believing it. But until then, I'm going to drown my sorrows any way I can. In other words, I have recuperation time till Saturday night. Going to some club's grand opening at the Hyatt. At least I'm not as bad as Yen Teng. *his* She's been out clubbing Friday, Saturday, Sunday n Tuesday. I didn't go for Saturday's. *yech* i dun even LIKE clubbing..
Btw some perv tried to pick me up on Tuesday night.. The conversation started off really well.. Ahahah..
Guy: Hie, can I dance with you?
Me : Erm........ no?
Hehheh... I'm such an anti-social. Ah well.. I did try to be polite though but I've always been told not to trust guys who pick girls up in a club.. so I'm pretty sceptical about anything he says. Anyway, he smsed me yesterday saying he had a good time with me. I didn't reply. No desire to. I kinda like that. Pick them up n drop them. Heheheh.. Sounds so evil. But I dun really care. Not looking for any attachment whatsoever. Just looking to have a good time, that's all. Just flattery n fun. Hah.. I think I'm so up myself. Maybe to cover for my insecurities? Ahahha.. like dancing in clubs. Geez.. my rhythm's different from everyone else. Feels so strange. Nevermind.. I guess that's just something I'll learn in time if I go clubbing enough.
heyyy.
i found your blog!! your tag board's not working so i decided to comment. wahaha.
hope you had fun last night @ hyatt. (: Take care aight? See you round Uni or some other club soon.
Post a Comment
<< Home
I'm kinda terrified.. Iris called me two nights ago asking about what happened between me n Aun Joe. Apparently one of her friends is a friend of Aun Joe... Err... can't get away from him. I thought that it's all over oredi and I can try n get beyond it but bloody hell it's all coming back. I'm so fearful of what's going on.. So fearful of what she knows, what she's heard and why she wants to know more. I wonder whether it's genuine curiosity or a more sinister motive behind it. Sorry, Iris. No offense. It's not that I think badly of Iris... It's just that the incident with Aun Joe hurt me quite a lot and if she does tell other people about it after I've confided in her, I dunno if I can handle it. I mean, normally I wouldn't mind if something I told someone was told to other people.. but not this. I'm still recovering from it. I still ponder over it at times. And I wonder whether he thinks of me the way I think of him. Probably not. He probably never stops to think about how I am. In fact, he probably never thinks about me. Full stop. So Iris, maybe one day I could tell you exactly what happened.. But right now I'm so fearful of what u might do with what I told u. There's this huge conflict within me cos I wanna confide in someone.. I wanna just pour it all out to someone who knows him and I wanna tell it all to you, but at the same time I wanna protect myself from getting hurt by him in any way, direct or indirectly.
And so I wonder whether I'm a cynical being. Is it just me? Is there some genetic fault in me that says I cannot trust people? I mean, one has to be understanding. Why should I confide in my friends around me when I see them gossip about what other people confide in them all the time. I mean, among Jessica, Winnie and me, Jess n Winnie always tell me the things that Angie tells them about her personal life. So I wonder, if they can do it to Angie, can't they do it to me too? Isn't that right? So why should I trust them not to gossip about my personal life the way they do about Angie? Maybe I'm just being afraid. Finding excuses not to trust people because I'm afraid to get hurt. That's entirely possible. But it's also possible that I haven't found the right person yet. Someone that doesn't need to ask me what's wrong; only know that something is wrong and wait me out. No need to cajole me into telling what's wrong but just spend time with me n try to keep my mind of things for a while. Just till i'm ready to talk. And to know the right things to say when I've let it all out. Not to say,"It's no big deal. It'll all be okay in a while" but to say something more comforting because it's not okay at the moment and that's all that matters right now. That's the kind of person that I would be really comfortable telling my troubles to. I'm still looking for that person. Or maybe that person is already there but I can't see it. ahahha... i dunno anymore. I just dunno. I'm just gonna wait it out. And with all good luck i'll find that person while I'm here. and soon.
Jennifer left this place at 11:30 PM | 0 comments
Post a Comment
<< Home
*haiks* just a month of uni n it's holiday time oredi... Yippeee...~!! How exciting.. except that for the first few days i dun quite know what to do.. Friday, Sunday n monday are public holidays... n my sis has gone to Sydney. She left this arvo while i was at my Bio prac.. so i didn't get to see her off.. Quite sad really but she's coming back on Sunday night so it's only three days. So weird.. When I think about the fact that I'm coming home n she won't be there.. it's such a suffocating thought. I can feel my lungs struggling to breathe while i try to deal with the fact that she won't be here tonight. That's the weird bit. I've lived without her for 2 years.. What difference does three days make? I think it might have something to do with coming home to an empty flat. So I'll basically be living alone for the next three days.. SCARY!
Anywayz.. to talk about uni.. Chemical Engineering had a sort of excursion yesterday.. My group went to the Carlton United Beverages.. It was okay initially but the end of the tour was the best part ever.. Ahahha.... the lady offered us beer tasting but we had to show proof of age ID.. So unfortunately for me... She offered me lemonade instead.. But i got Lemon Lime & Bitters.. n stole a few sips from pitying friends who laughed at me for being young.. =P I swear I'll catch up to you guys one day... you hear me???? hehehehehhe..
Maybe this weekend will be my time to socialize n get to know people from my course a bit more.. Maybe, just maybe. In the meantime.. I haven't decided quite what to do yet. I wanna post some pics up from the motor show a while ago. but i dun quite yet know how to handle my sis's mac so i think i'll wait till she comes back..
I wish I didn't have to work this saturday.. Well at least I've got a whole week to recuperate..
Jennifer left this place at 10:26 PM | 0 comments
Post a Comment
<< Home
It's gone by pretty quick. Or not. Depending on which way u look at things. Not all of my furniture is here yet.. It'll take about another month or so before EVERYTHING fully gets here. I have a bed half set up, but no mattress. I have a coffee table and a carpet. I have no curtains/blinds. We have one bed among the two of us. The whole place is friggin incomplete n we have no privacy whatsoever. Everything u say could potentially be heard by the whole apartment and its surroundings. And I'm using up my savings like I'm leaking water. Ouch.
On top of that, I'm constantly tired. I think I'm severely lacking sleep from waking up early every morning to attend my 8 am lectures and get to work on time on Saturdays. But when Sunday comes and I try to sleep in, 9.30am is the latest I can get. I even took a nap this evening and I'm still so tired. I've got early starts and late finishes everyday and I don't want to whinge but I feel like taking a whole day off just to myself. Just to slack. Ahahah.. some might say that's what I've been doing this whole time. Yes, I admit. I have missed a couple of lectures already.. but at least it's not half as bad as some of the people I know here.
Good thing is, I have made some friends.. Nothing miraculous. No instant clicking or anything of that sort. Maybe it's still too early to tell but I don't know if the friends I've made are the kind that I can hang around with and so on. Maybe it's just me. My sis and I were discussing this the other day - whether I was a nerd or not. I don't like clubbing, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I almost never go out late... so does that make me a nerd? I reckon, by definition, yes, I am a nerd. But I don't think I'm a nerd, though. My sis asked whether I felt I was a nerd even before we moved to Oz, or was it just recently. And I said maybe I was nerdy back then too.Yeah, sure i had my share of fun n bfs. But I still studied. I placed a lot of importance on getting good results, or at least half decent ones. So am I nerdy, then? Maybe... ahahha or maybe it's just cos I'm not 18 yet. Well, put it this way.. if i turn 18 at the end of this year and I'm still the way I am at the moment, then I know that I truly am nerdy. And there's no denying it.
Re: hanging out - Me, Steph and Angie are going to watch 'Hitch' this Tuesday. I thought I might change it to monday cos me n steph finish late on tuesday. See how things go. So exhausted. Anyway it'll be 2nd time watching Hitch. Hilarious show.. She's got a new bf. Already. I'm kinda jealous in a way.
I can't believe Aun Joe still flits through my mind unexpectedly. It pisses me off. Especially when I cannot even handle bumping into his friends.
Jennifer left this place at 12:40 AM | 0 comments
Post a Comment
<< Home