Thursday, December 30, 2004
Drama's ended
Yeah.. I know the last statement was a little melodramatic. Let me try n explain why it was so bad. And since my mum's already told the entire world what I got, I supposed it doesn't matter if I air it out here as well. I got a TER of 92.4 which isn't brilliant, I have to admit, but at least I made it into uni which is better than some other people out there. The thing is.. I was aiming for a TER of 97.5 cos that's what I need to get into Commerce/Science n I always knew there was quite a big chance that I wouldn't get it. I even spent the entire year calculating a prediction of what I'd get over n over again never quite getting there. But the big prob is the phrase "never quite getting there". Every prediction gave me at least a 95 so u can understand why it's such a shock to get a measly 92.4. I suppose the biggest disappointment would be my Malay mark. Because they scaled me down to barely a pass. School mark of 82, raw score of 74 and my final scaled score was a pathetic 55.5. I can't believe it...~!!!
And what makes it worse is that everyone around me got higher than me.. n got what they expected. ARGH~!!! Yes! That's what's so frustrating for me at the moment. On top of all that VTAC bloody closes the changing preferences period a day before WA students get their results.. WTH?? So I kinda have to figure out what to do from here. VTAC office only opens on the 4th of Jan. So that's when all hell will break lose. In the meantime, it's the calm before the storm.
Meanwhile, I've decided that G*d is out to get me. It's been blow after blow to my system since X'mas. Hah.. there's a big hint. Punishing me for all my evil deeds. Well =P i dun care, u hear me? Well, I don't care anymore, that is. Regardless, I'll definitely get into SOMETHING i dun mind at uni. So unless he decides to charm me by somehow making my application/results disappear between now and when the offers are made, I think there's not much worse that can happen. So HAH there u go. I'm not afraid, no siree... Well actually i'm afraid. Very afraid. Dun want things to get any worse. Hmm..
Anywayz, mum decided to be nice this morning and allowed me a day off. But it's back to work tomorrow....
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Yeah... they're out..
And all I can do is stare n cry while the walls surrounding me crumble into dust.
Jennifer left this place at 2:06 AM | 0 comments
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Yay...~!! I fixed my comments oredi... but pity.. all my other comments gone again.. Well that's good enuff for now la.. Probably still needs fixing up here n there but i'll do that later.
It's HOTTTT... can't stand it. I'm melting away. Yechh..
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Wheeee.....~!! Brand new exciting theme song... Hehehhe...
Greenday's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I lurveee that song.. =P
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah,
Aaah-ah,Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...
Hmmm.... but that makes me sound so depressed though.. I'm not depressed kay? I'm just a lil lonely right now..
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Well, it's not really.. but it's close enough.
And so now I'm gonna explain about yesterday. Well, I had a big fight with my sister regarding her two 'fuck-buddies' as she calls them. It got blown out of proportion and ended up with me shouting at her that i didn't know who the hell she was n that she definitely wasn't my sister. So in an unofficial manner, I kinda disowned her. *sigh* Yah huh.. the only person I turn to whenever I need someone, I have chased out of my life. Yech... Ah well.. I believe I have my reasons for it. Anyway, while I was distraughtly crying over this matter, I figured I needed somebody to talk to me, just to talk to me. I didn't really wanna talk about what had happened. But I just wanted some sort of company. Gerald's in Brunei n he's got no phone so i can't contact him, my aussie friends who have all gone home wouldn't understand. The only one who would understand is Winnie and she'll chastise me for what I said to my sis, so she's out too. I racked my mind for somebody, anybody who I thought could help me and I thought of Kenneth. Desperately, I smsed him,"Are u free? Can you talk to me? Need help." n the reply I got was,"Eh.. Will b free later... At friend's place now.." Ahaahhaha...that got more tears out of me.
I started wondering.. that maybe I have lived my entirely in a manner that ensured that I would have nobody whenever I really needed someone. That sucks. But in that moment, I told myself to get over it. Told myself that never, ever again will I ever be in a situation where I'll feel as if I needed someone. Which was why I felt "cold"
But it's okay now. I will always be cautious.. and I'll always try to avoid any situation that would hurt me. Yes, call me a coward. But I hope that if I ever were caught in such a situation ever again, that I would have somebody to help me. Even just one person. Being helplessly alone sucks, I must say.
I wonder why I can't just open up to people. I mean, does it matter how close I am to someone before I confide in them? If I needed someone to talk to me about just anything, will Jeri not count? No offense Jeri. I mean, I know that any other time I would have. It's just that this yr we kinda drifted apart n i dunno her very well anymore. Or that's what I think anyway. And if Jess had been here, I would've gone over to her place in an instant, just for company the way I did the last time. But no, she's not here. And I don't have anywhere to go. Dammit, lonely as hell.. Ahahha.. well I know better next time yeah? Make LOTS n LOTS of friends. Doesn't matter if they're superficial. At least u have company when u need it. I mean, I don't like confiding abt the stuff that disturbs me. I just want to be around people so that I don't dwell on it. *sigh* well if there's anybody out there who's willing to offer a helping hand, i'm all ears.. Muahahaha.. lame pathetic ass
edit:// ooh...~!!! my sis deleted the post on the blog that sparked the argument between us.. Akakaka... that's kinda funny. Ironic shit. But anyway, I dun suppose I should be calling her my sis anymore. She's Elissa now, isn't she? Just plain ol' Elissa, even if a little cheap. *wink* sigh.. i dun mean that. Or i dun want to anyway
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I end up in this situation all the time. The person I depend upon the most will turn out to be not quite who I expected him/her to be. And the disappointment in that blow sucks. I think maybe it's me. My expectations of the closest people around me are so high that I'm headed only for disappointment. Unfortunately, it is still Christmas, so I'm trying to keep my cheer going until the night ends. Then I can let go. Alone once again.
The worst thing about this is that I know that if I were in KL at this moment, I wouldn't be ignored. Kenneth wouldn't have said he was too busy to talk to me right now because he's at his friend's place. Doesn't matter whether I'm crying or not. Bottom line is, he's busy and can't help me. Maybe I'm being hypocritical when I say had I been in his position I would've dropped everything to help someone who needed me. But what I'm trying to say is that he wouldn't have done that if I was in KL. Besides, if he did, I wouldn't have cared. I would have just gone out. Somewhere. Anywhere. At least there'll be places open. Here, I'm stranded alone. With no one to help me along this path. Nowhere to go. Just staying right here.
Everyone's right where they belong. Having fun with friends and family. I don't begrudge them. I just envy them. A lot. I wish I could be doing the same. I wish I had someone I could really rely on. Lonely, is the word. And I'll always be for a long, long time to come. Or even if I didn't have someone I could really rely on, just to be able to go out and have heaps of fun to forget what's going on for a while would be great.
I'm going to leave this post for now. I'll explain everything in detail tomorrow or later when I'm feeling a little bit better. Right now I just feel cold.
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Mum's going funny.. She's enchanted by these really short frilly skirts. She claims they're very cute and insists on buying them for me. Which is VERY awkward since she hates us going shopping for clothes plus it's a skirt. For me. Who almost never wears skirts. So yeah, I feel really strange about it, seeing as these particular kind of skirts are VERY short and barely cover my ass, mind you. I would love to show you one that she bought for me as part of my b'day pressie but it's in Melb living with my sis. Maybe when I move over I'll post it. But my point is that someone mentioned that it's as if my mum's reliving her younger days thru me. Akakkaa... perhaps it's true because my mum said to me when we passed a store displaying that kinda skirt,"If I was younger, I'd definitely wear that skirt. Don't you think it's so cute?" Jenn goes,"...... I don't know...."
Anyway, this whole reliving one's childhood made me think about my slightly younger days. Just sitting here reflecting on the past, I realize that I do it a lot. And I have to admit that I constantly desire to return to the days when I was studying in Sri KL. I think it's got partly to do with the fact that I never wanted to leave in the first place. I guess, a big part of the reason why I keep wanting to turn the clock back is that I always imagined that things would have turned out much better for me had I been given the chance to stay and at least finish F5. Instead of moving here at the end of F2. Yes, I've been here a while but it doesn't stop me from missing home. It'll always be home and that's something that my mother cannot understand. She says that home is where my family is and since my family's here... here's my home. I can't agree. I suppose I will never agree. There will always be a part of me that won't let KL go. I keep thinking that if I hadn't left that early, I wouldn't have turned out this way. I would've been happier, content, and more importantly, I would never ever have felt lonely. Things would have worked out for me at home, which is why I can't forget. KL was a chance in a lifetime. Or so I think. People say to me.. what if it didn't work the way you thought it would? Well, then I wouldn't know any different, would I? What difference does it make? I have a better education here, yes. Mum says it would be easier for me to get into uni in Melb. Is it? Chiew Keng and Yen Teng were in my year. They went to Trinity and they're going to uni next year too. Are they smarter than I am? I don't know. And so at the end of the day, I still don't understand why I had to uproot my entire life earlier than I planned on. But it makes no difference now, for what's done is done and try as I might, I can't turn back the clock. I can only look forward, no matter how bleak it seems. Lonely as I am, that's all I can do. I won't ever stop looking back, even glimpses will do, late at night when loneliness overwhelms me, and I could never stop wishing for what could be. And if I was ever given the chance to turn back time, I would make sure that I ran away the night before the flight.
Sorry.. a little morose but that's how I feel.
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Yes, Christmas is fast approaching. Haven't done my Christmas shopping yet. Except for my dogs. Hah.. they're easy to shop for though. I'm trying to get a Santa suit for Buddy but I haven't had the time. Got a small something for everyone already but my presents aren't complete yet. I can't stand giving people small presents, no matter how expensive they are. I'm really strange that way.
However, I've just paid $107 for new ink cartridges for my printer. My old ones dried up cos I hadn't used it all year. $107 down the drain. Mum says she'll pay me back for it though cos she wants me to print out her store advice for her on my printer. Hmmph. She gave me half the day off today. Right after three deliveries with 12 boxes each came in. She said,"We can't go home until you finish receiving all of that" and Liz burst out laughing at the incredulous look I had on my face. All I could say was,"I don't think I'll be going home for the next couple of days" and my mum smiled. Yes, very nice of her but no, she did let me leave with her early. Cos we had to go to buy books from other places discreetly. Can't escape the world of books
For example, Paul Michaels, the new Dymocks Liason Manager came in one day and started talking to me about what I was doing next year. We mentioned jobs and he took the opportunity to ask me whether I'll be working and I said yes. All of a sudden there was, "Do you wanna continue working for Dymocks? Cos the guy who manages the Victorian Dymocks is a good friend of mine so I can easily get you a job there if you want" and he smiles at here. And here I am thinking that I SO BADLY wanted to get away from Dymocks and try and get a job on my own without anyone's help. But then again, jobs aren't easy to find so mum said to take the job offer until I've got time to look for another one. *sigh* Dymocks, here I come..again.
I've got a lot on my mind, but I think I'll save it for later tonight. IF i come back online of course. Btw, looks like my comments are fully stuffed up. Need to do something to fix it. But i dunno how. Hah.. Steph... I need you...
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Yay!! Finally changed my layout. It's not done yet though. Kinda crappy. I haven't actually put the links on and stuff like that. Had to re-register my tagboard.. and my comments thingy went funny when I changed the layout so I've lost all previous comments. Manage to save one though, since the page was still open when I changed the layout. So, to The Unknown, I repasted your comment so you'll see that the time and date's different. But thanks for the comment. :)
I think I might change my commenting system. It kinda sucks. Unfortunately, I can't afford to spend heaps of time on this since I'm working everyday now that school is over. In fact, it's Sunday tomorrow and I'm working too. Friday was meant to be my one day off but how did I spend it? Four hours spent at the Mirabooka shop and then one hour in the queue to resit my driving test since my learner's permit has expired (I passed again btw. In fact, I did better than the first time, surprisingly since I only skimmed thru the theory book). Then my mum and I attempted going X'mas shopping. We tried getting my stepdad's presents after trying to get some books and failing from Angus & Robertson but the stupid store seemingly closes early (6pm) on late nights. We got there at 6.10. Hmmph. Guess we'll just have to go again next friday and get there earlier. Of course, that's IF i get another day off. By the looks of how things are going..probably not. The store's been really busy it's killing me. Can't even go for lunch without being harassed. I miss Steph, my working buddy. Hope New York is great.. Perth's shittier than ever. It's HOT...
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Damn.. just got back from my 10 days in Melbourne..
The feeling of returning here is just plain shitty, honestly.
I need to get Melb out of my system. Think I might have made a few wrong moves and made too much of some things while I was there and now I'm trying to get over it and pretend some things never happened.
Geez.. that makes it sound really wrong. I mean, the things that happened itself were all fine. In fact, they were great - I really enjoyed my little trip but... it's what I made of the things that happened that really screwed up my emotions which I'm now trying so hard to keep under control. Need to forget everything I thought. As I said, get it out of my system.
*sigh* Last day of high school ever tomorrow. Going back to visit Val and the two Stephs. Presents galore for them. *hics* and I guess for me too. Val said she's got my b'day present for me =) and I have a present for her from Melb too. No more high school for the rest of my life. No more uniforms to wear everyday. It's kinda sad cos my close group of friends won't be there tomorrow. They've all gone home. Pity. Ah well, hopefully I'll see them again one day but alas, we're all making our own separate journeys with time, Was supposed to get Mr Chidgey a present but I kinda forgot. Besides, I had no idea what to get him. Hah.. now that just sounds like an excuse.
Apparently Angie might be making her way to Melbourne as well next year. Damn damn damn.. @#$!% I dun really want her to come. In fact, I really don't want her to come. It's unexplainable, the situation. All I can say is that I'm not very happy about the possibility of bumping into her on the streets of Melbourne. I've got Jess on my side helping to dissuade her from coming. Hah! Yeah, I'm mean.. but I can't help it if I don't like her very much, right? *wink*
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