Friday, February 25, 2005
The end of orientation
Today was the last day of uni orientation.. I think. I didn't really attend orientation.. Went to bits and pieces that Steph wanted me to attend. I reckon it was kinda pointless. The best bit was the clubs n societies I guess. There are so many things I wanna join but it's kinda expensive to join them all and nobody else wants to join them so I'm kinda nervous about joining them on my own. That's a bit problem. I know I should just put myself out there and go try things out. Try and overcome my fear of being alone. I know that if I don't join the clubs now I probably never will join them like what happened at SMAGS (St. Mary's) but it's kinda difficult when u're new to a whole world to do just that. SO, as yet, I haven't decided what I'm gonna do.
However, I did strike up the courage to go n meet Nick Tee today though. Eeekksss.. he's so cute.. Even my sis agreed. She called me adorable.. Wahh.. can feel myself falling. Have to stop myself from going there. I don't really want to anyway. I know where it'll end up. Nowhere. Exactly. So it's pointless.
*sigh* I really miss having someone to hold me. It's times like these that I begin to understand why Angie cannot live without a boyfriend. It's just comforting to know that there's someone to protect u from everything else, if only for a while. Just someone to wrap his arms around me.. wah.. even the thought is enough to make me feel a lil bit more secure..
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Ermphhh.. I wouldn't give a fark if I never had to paint another wall in my whole entire friggin life.. I'm soooo tiredd.. Yes, I'm whinging, but then again I have just spent two days painting my bedroom to completion. 7pm - 4am yesterday and 3pm-1am today. Woahh.. tired. Feeling very bitchy too. Unfortunately, my room's not complete yet. My sister's is, but mine's not. Something went wonky on my cupboard, so it has to be redone. And since the flooring guys are coming on Monday to install the floors till Wednesday, I won't be able to redo it till after..
So anyway.. need to catch up on a week's worth of sleep. Well, almost. Ahahha.. ever since that Friday night, I haven't exactly been sleeping a lot at night, prefering to catch up during the day. Need sleep n food urgently.
Can't wait till my life gets back on track. It'll be good to get into a routine again. Stop my mind from racing from thought to thought. Give my mind a break and give me some piece of mind.
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Well, understandably he didn't come. But at least I wasn't stood up. His friend fully set up the meeting oredi. But at the last minute, Aun Joe's girlfriend bluntly refused to let him meet me without her being there.. His friend rang me to give me the news and I just sort of gave up. I mean, wtf can I do, right? Ah well.. Surprisingly, I'm not so hurt about it as I had thought I would be.. I'm actually kinda laughing about it because I can't believe he's so submissive - dun even have the balls to stand to his gf to keep a promise he made to his friend.. yeah.. a man of his word alright... Ahahha.. So that's why I'm not so angry. Because I'm glad I'm not friends with someone llike that. I need my friends to be more loyal n trustworthy cos I depend on them a lot.
Aside from that, I've mostly had my mind occupied between talking to Nick Tee, my mum calling every few minutes and Khai Gene and Ming Li being around the place. So yeah, I haven't actually had a lot of time to think. That's great, cos I dun wanna think about it anymore. Gonna pretend it never happened. I hope I never see him again cos I dun think I'd know what to say to him if I ever had to face him. So embarassing to be put in a situation like that. I hope everyday could be like this. Being so distracted. It'll keep me from feeling down. At least Yen Teng n Chiew Keng are here already. My sis said that being around people about the same age will be better for me. Cos then at least they might not just have sex on their mind or only think about using u.
But at the moment, I'm feeling bad about my mum.. I know she misses me; she's been ringing me everyday since she left Melbourne. But tonight she made it really evident. She called me to ask if I was watching tv.. She said that it's not as nice to watch tv anymore cos nobody watches it with her now. I told her I did have the tv on, told her I was flicking between About A Boy and Legally Blonde and she said, "Okay la, at least I know u're watching tv oso." Wah... that made me feel really bad about leaving her.. As if I personally hurt her. ouch. For me too.. Ahahha.. My poor mother. But what could I do? I really couldn't stay..
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Ahahah.. yeah, i lost my self-control as soon as I published that post yesterday. Oooh.. it was nasty. I called n smsed.
And THEN! I got a call from his girlfriend asking me to f**k off.. Ahahahhahaa... well, i didn't even know that he had a girlfriend. But anywayz, there was this whole big argument between all of us now. She thinks I'm trying to hit on him. Hah! Ah well, we're trying to settle this whole issue; trying to sort things out. He's supposedly meant to meet me tomorrow to explain himself to me. Alone. But last night/early early this morning, I got msgs from him trying to back out from the meeting. Trying to break his promise. But I can't really be sure that it was him and not his gf. Somehow the conversation just didn't add up. Maybe it was his girlfriend dictating what he keyed in. Yeah, maybe that was it. Except it still doesn't explain him saying that the ring he showed me was his engagement ring. Cos on Friday he told me it was a ring that his mum gave him for his 21st. So that's why I thought it was his gf msging. But then how did she know that he showed me his ring? So now I'm kinda lost.
I'm crazily nervous. Butterflies in my tummies. I'm so afraid that he'll break his promise and that I won't be able to do anything about it tomorrow. So SCARED!! My nerves are so highly strung, it's not funny. Eesh. There are so many things racing thru my mind that I can't relax. Don't want to be left alone but don't want to be around people either. Today for the first time in my life, I walked down the street with sunglasses on because I was praying so hard that no one would notice or recognize me. How pathetic. I'm just so jittery at the moment. Can't focus on anything but at the same time I'm focused on everything. Literally the scatter-brain. Now my sis has gone out for a couple of drinks and I'm terrified of being alone because it gives me time to think. I can barely sleep because of these many thoughts racing thru my head. I need a break. Tomorrow is supposed to be my saviour when it all ends. But if doesn't happen then I have to live thru this hell for a while longer. The stress is getting to me. My sis even said it was scary how I was reacting this way. I've never been this way before. Never. I've always been beyond this. Then again, this is the first time I ever let my guard down. And got hurt so bad. Big mistake.. *sigh* I hope it works out well tomorrow. I hope I hope I hope. So much for my sake. Or I'll go crazy this way.
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Erghh.. so frustrated. I'm SOOOOO mad at Aun Joe. I'm beyond mad. I'm frigginly pissed off. Why am I so mad? Cos the damn asshole won't talk to me anymore after Friday and he doesn't have the friggin courage to tell me to piss off. Instead, he's been casually avoiding my calls, claiming that he's in class and that he's got a whole lot of assignments that he has to rush thru during this week and therefore won't be able to talk to me till sometime next week, MAYBE. Friggin ass. Why can't he just tell me that he's found someone better to spend his time with? I mean, rather than leave me hanging like this. Yeah sure, we're just friends. But I dun see how it makes it any better. I think it's still unforgivable. Such an obvious brush-off.
But here I am trying to tell myself every single day that maybe he's not lying. Maybe he really is busy with his assignments. And maybe he just doesn't have time for anything else at the moment. But then another part of me says that I'm sure it's not so difficult to spend 5 mins to give me a call and ask me how I'm doing. After all, he was calling me so many friggin times a day before I met him on Friday. So wtf is going on, right? Asshole.
And now I find myself getting so angry and agitated that I feel like marching down to his friggin place on Flinders St and waiting outside his friggin door until he friggin builds the courage to face me. I'm gonna call him n tell him I'm not budging till he comes down and I dun friggin care if someone harasses me or rapes me or whatever. Cos I wanna know the truth. I dun wanna have to sit here day in and day out racking my brain to figure out what's going on - what's the truth and what isn't. I just want it admitted to me so that I know I'm not wasting my time.
Unfortunately, I'm forcing myself to wait it out. To give him benefit of the doubt that maybe he is telling the truth, and that maybe I'm just being too sensitive about the whole thing. So I keep telling myself not to contact him in any way. Wait till next week . Just keep the anger and frustration in till the week is out. And who knows by that time? Maybe I would give a flying f**k about him anymore by then. But I just need the self-control to last me throughout this week. Yes, that's all it takes, isn't it? Self-control. But it's not that friggin easy. And I can feel it eating me up inside. But I'm trying not to let on. Don't want anyone else to know about it cos I dun want them to think as if there's more to it.
Gerald> There is nothing more to it. He's just an old high school friend who turned out to be more of an asshole than I ever expected. I always thought of him as someone who meant whatever he said. Because that's how he always was to me when I was friends with him in KL. But then again, people change. And it seems I was wrong this time. So please dun take it any other way. I'm just hurting because I got snubbed by a friend real bad. *hugs* take care, you.
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First my sister was torn between me and Dave..but now I'm torn between my sister and Dave. Well, not really torn between them.. but I know my sister's upset that Dave keeps insisting that he spend time around me/us. Maybe he thinks that because I'm new and I haven't got many friends here yet, so he just wants to be nice and help me get used to the environment. But on the other hand, my sister is worried that there might be something more to it. Mind you, she's not being a jealous bitch because I know my sister well enough. She isn't the sort to mind if I hang around her boyfriends. But the thing is, I think Dave might be going over the top. Besides, Dave has been known to be that sort of guy. I wouldn't put it past him.
For example, he bought me a massive bunch of flowers for Valentine's Day - not a gigantic as the one he bought for my sis, but still big. And I knew my sis felt kinda awkward about the whole thing but she didn't know what to say. On top of that, at 1 am, my sis told Dave that he should go home soon cos they both have to get up early this morning and Dave agreed. But then he came out and sat with me, watching TV for another hour before he left. My sis was pretty upset about it. She says she feels like he's undermining what she says and she even asked me for a favour - to politely decline any suggestions that Dave makes for us to spend time together. Now I'm torn between whether I should tell my sis about the fact that he rang me earlier asking whether I wanna come over to his place and play on his XBox. Or not. Like I want her to be aware, in case there is more to the eye, but at the same time, I don't want to cause her any worry. Cos I know she's frustrated about the whole situation right now. So do I tell or not?
I just don't know how to decline his invitations without seeming rude or as if I dislike him. Cos then he might try even harder to get me to accept him.
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Yippee.. Chinese New Year already.. Eek. So fast..
We had a new year dinner yesterday. It started out rather hilarious. Dinner was supposed to start at 8pm and when we got to the restaurant we saw all these fire engines n firemen outside the restaurant n there was water EVERYWHERE! The first thing that popped into my head was, "Wow, cool! Did the restaurant we book burn down or something?" Turns out it wasn't our restaurant but there must've been one burning behind us perhaps due to the firecrackers. And there were plenty of lion dances too~!! Wahh.. make me miss Alex so much. *ouch*
Dinner was okay. Pretty much overate. The food wasn't excellent but it was good enuff to pass. I wasn't actually too happy with dinner initially bcos I always thought that Chinese New Year dinner should've been a family thing but my sis ended up inviting like 5 of her friends which annoyed the hell out of me (Even my real dad made a comment on how my sis doesn't think when I told him about it today). Thankfully 2 of them didn't make it. So the dinner ended up going pretty well. I'm pleased..
I'm so excited. We've selected all the furniture for the new apartment n we've basically purchased most of them already. Now all we gotta do is wait for the painter, cleaner n flooring people to finish n that's it! I can move in!! Wheee.. Almost there! Almost there! Can't wait to go to Ikea n get my stuff. Yeah.. I get the cheapy.. My sis got all the expensive furniture from Domayne n Freedom n all that places. I got my stuff from Ikea. Simple. Ahhaha.. She called me cheap. I called her high maintenance. She called me cheap again. I said at least no one will leave me for someone easier to take care of. Ahaha... a joke with subtle knives hidden within.
Anyways, Happy Chinese New Year to y'all. I called my dad tonight. First time in ages. Feel so guilty. Ever the irresponsible daughter. I'm sure my sis felt the same about me last night when I supposedly didn't think to call her when I was coming home late from Aun Joe's place. Bleah
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Anywayz, now that I've vented my frustrations at being misunderstood, turns out today wasn't actually THAT bad a day. I mean, minus the cutting comments that I sometimes got from the other three, I enjoyed going furniture shopping although it was mostly for my sister. Everything was basically according to her taste and nothing was anything that I had said I liked. But it was nice to just take a look at things and envision how I'd like things to look if the place were mine. I mean, it's not as if I don't agree with what she picked. Just that, I don't think she took into consideration anything that I liked.
For example, we saw a tv stand that was really nice and we both agreed on it. Then I said," I would actually prefer it more if it were in a lighter-coloured wood" and she goes,"Yeah, but I like the darker-coloured one" and that was the end of the story. I just feel so awkward around these people sometimes. As if I'm not one of them. Now I kinda understand a lil of how Steph feels. But I didn't wanna rant on this post. I wanted it to be nice. It was really fun to look at the different styles that one would decorate a room with. Really fascinating to see that one colour on a wall, or a different style of bed can make so much difference to how a room feels. That was the greatest part. So we end on a good note, yeah?
Ahahha... but just to drop the facade... I'm lost. And I'm confused. The silent catastrophe ever, hey?
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Ermmphh.. left my phone at my parents' hotel.. Feels really iffy without it around. Shows how addicted I am to it.. Well, not actually - I'm just worried that if Winnie or somebody close msgs me or even calls me then I can't take the call and I wouldn't even know who called. That's the prob. And no one knows my sister's numbers. So I'm deserted for a night. Ah well..
Sis has gone to Dave's place. She's starting to get on my nerves. Everything is about Dave n all these other people. We're supposed to be having a Chinese New Year dinner thing tomorrow, and well, I assumed that it would be a family thing cos we haven't exactly spent a lot of family time together recently, have we? But turns out, she's invited this massive bunch of friends along. So now I feel like the ultimate loser. Cos I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. What am I going to do for the whole evening then? Shut up and eat basically. ARGHHH.. I just can't take it.. Sis told me to invite my friends as well. Yeah, duh, because u dun wanna spend time with me after two years so I should invite my friends to avoid getting bored. Who am I going to invite exactly? There's nobody here yet. Well, Angie, Aun Joe and Desmond are here. If I get desperate then I guess I'll have to invite them. Which is really pathetic. They're not gonna click whatsoever. ARGHHH SHE ALWAYS DOES THIS TO ME.. I hate it so much but I can't say anything cos it makes me feel so alien in the family whenever I make a comment that nobody agrees with. They think I'm just being pesky n childish. *sigh* I guess if wanting to spend time with my family is being childish then... maybe I won't go for the dinner tomorrow? Maybe I should go stay at Aun Joe or Desmond's place for the night. At least I know they'd, well, not appreciate but wouldn't mind my company. I keep getting the feeling that the other three members of my family dislike me being around. They seem to keep brushing me off and it's starting to get on my nerves. Maybe I should disappear for a while? Or maybe even for good. It'll make everyone else happier, won't it? But I guess I better wait till after my uni enrolment. It's on the 9th. Not that far away. Just two days. I just have to hang in there for a while....
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Yes, that's precisely what I'm feeling at the moment. Leaving this Sunday for Melbourne and I haven't finished packing yet. It's the early hours of Friday morning and I'm having a subtle panic attack (have to use that term lightly now - explain later), not only because I'm not done packing and I still have heaps to go even though I already have 7.5 boxes filled, but also because I'm worried about how things will work out for me. Maybe I'm stressing out too much over nothing, but at this current point in time I'm panicking about EVERYTHING! But most of all, I fear most that Melbourne won't turn out the be the great experience I had thought it out to be. And Gawd knows, I don't want to go thru all that loneliness crap that I had to endure while I was in Perth. So yes, I'm truly terrified of moving forward. But there's nothing for me here either. So where do I belong? Precisely my point - nowhere at the moment. Great. I'm glad we settled that.
Okayz, regarding the panic attack. My lovely friend Jess had a massive panic attack at home recently. She's a very sensitive girl and her emotions run havoc quite easily. Apparently this time they went overboard and she spasmed before going stiff like a board. She's okay now, but going for some therapy sessions with her aunty (who's a psychologist) to get away from all the stress of being around her family esp. her parents. Poor girl. Scary shit. So it turns out she won't make it back in time to see me off. *sigh* oh well. There are more important things at hand right now. She might even postpone uni to July. Which is disappointing.
I should probably take a short nap n continue packing. This needs to be done quick. I wanted to finish by Friday night. Might happen. Might not. Perhaps I'll be calmer by then. Eechh.. so bloody lonely in Perth. Abso-bloddy-lutely friggin no one. Hmmphh.
Btw, just randomly - I watched CLOSER with Liz today. Heck, I love Jude Law. His mighty British accent is to die for. Ahahah.. I want a British boyfriend. *wink* Liam.. hics.. Strange story though. Very confusing. Keep your eyes glued to the screen the whole time cos otherwise u'll get lost in the plot. Regardless, I enjoyed Jude Law. Very much indeed. Although, I did feel a lil sick when I saw a flash of Jude's pubic hair. Eckk..
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