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Life

Sunday, November 30, 2003

*sigh* mum trying to be nice to me so that i won't hate her. sorry la dearie, damage done long time ago liao. but anywayz i ignored her la. i was looking at the rbj pages then she ask me who these ppl are. nah, our convo, rather one-sided.

Me: People
Mum: I know people la... but who?
Me: Dunno
Mum: Then how u get their pics n everything?
Me: *silence*
Mum: You must be hungry; haven't eaten dinner yet
Me: *shakes head*
Mum: Har? Why not?
Me: Not hungry. Had big lunch
Mum: What'd u have?
Me: Dim sum
*silence* follows. she walks away

aish.. i oso nuthing to say liao. i dun wanna fight with her. no strength. i just wanna finish high school asap n move out. n right now i can hear people i was supposed to be spending time with, i can hear them having so much fun. nvm. i can take it. i can only take so much but i'll try. i'll try to survive n keep myself sane. i can feel myself breaking apart. i can feel it. but i'll try. for the sake of freedom. for the sake of being strong. for the sake of my sis n my real dad. but it hurts so much to not be able to go home. nvm, i'll be home one day. One day...

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Saturday, November 29, 2003

Fuck. damn pissed. so much to say but dunno where to start. can't find the right words. mum's a bitch. she's doing this on purpose. she's trying to stop me from seeing kl frens. bitch. u've got the issues with kl so what? u can't fucking tell me to not hang out with frens just cos they're from friggin kl, alright? i'm not gonna say all that, "one day u're gonna be sorry" shit cos i know u, u're too thick-skinned to feel sorry about anything. n they call ME cold-hearted. well fuck it all. i give up. my life's all urs. that's what u wanted, didn't u? u just wanna see me so miserable that i have no choice but to listen to u. well u're right. i have no life. i'm urs. treat me however u want. it doesn't matter anymore. can't wait for this lifetime to be over. my dad says i chose to be born to u. i think i was drunk when the people up above asked me to made a decision. or maybe i saw u n thought u'd make a good mum. well, i was terribly mistaken. u're not fit to be a mum. this is my punishment for judging a book by its cover. i know my mistake. next time round, i'm not gonna choose. i'm just gonna say send me to anyone. dun give a fuck anymore. i've been thru the worst there is. ppl always talk about physical abuse shit. i wish u'd hit me all the time instead of inflicting this mental torture on me, cos then at least i'd be able to get away from u. right now i have no proof that u're doing anything to me. ppl are gonna say so what if she doesn't let u have a life? so what if she doesn't let u go back to kl every year? they cannot understand how it is to lose the one very place u belong to. n they dun have someone attempting to take away every chance at happiness they have. fuck u. i know u're going to hell. i'll see u there. i'll drag u so far down in hell, n i hope u feel it for the rest of ur immortal life. may u suffer, n even though i'll be suffering for dragging u down there, i'll enjoy every moment of pain that u go thru.

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edit: this is one heck of a long post kayz? 5 days' worth of info so u might not wanna go thru it all. i won't make u suffer

Din update for so long man. aiks. well it feels like it la. only been 5 days but feel as if it's been more than a week. Anyways... update on the exams. i sucked at everything. but i'm gonna pass. confident sia. but yeah pass la. not expecting anymore than that. scary. but mrs scott told me i did well in GNT. dunno whether did well according to the year's standards or according to MY standards. aish. nvm la. I BLARDEE PASSED MAN..~!! how good is that!?!??!

Erm.. what else wanna blog ar? forgot liao... oh yeah.. went to burswood for my "birthday" dinner. kinda late but yeah.. finally had it. spent the day at the city with raena, angie, winnie n cat. hah.. i woke up at 10.30.. thought,"wah power. this is the first time i'm gonna be early." yah rite.. get ready n everything. told raena to meet me at the Perth train station in 45 mins time. in 45 mins time i call her, she ask me where i am. kaoz. i still at home. felt so guilty. my mum laaa... so i rush to the Joondalup train station... train ride was quite comical. there was this english family sitting beside n across me. so cool. was full-on listening to their accents. wahhh i want british accent~!! n the son was one hot english boy..~! akakaka..

anyways, when we reached stirling, i think.. this aboriginal lady boarded the train.. phwoahh.. the smell of alcohol n cigarettes mighty strong.. at first i thought she was just a weird lady la.. but then i noticed her drink, firstly thought it was just water cos it was in a Mount Franklin mineral water bottle.. but the liquid inside was a lil yellowish, like white wine/champagne-type thing then it dawned on me that this lady was actually DRUNK. at 12pm man... wonder what she's like at nite. then she sat down 2 seats beside me n she was holding onto the pole to steady herself.. i saw her wrist. aish.. scary. so many scars on her wrist.. (ppl, that means she's suicidal aka she tried to cut her wrist). felt so sorry for her. but she started randomly talking to ppl... n i shy, so i averted my gaze so that she wouldn't talk to me. bad girl. makes me just as evil as the lady who ignored the aboriginal lady when she tried speaking to her. the english family was nicer. anywayz, when the aboriginal lady got ignored, she started saying things like, "I'm australian! i was born in australia!" n "i grew up with the whites" i think she felt that the lady ignored her cos she was an aboriginal". Felt relli bad but i think she was ignored cos she was drunk n messy n.. i dunno.. weird?

oops.. went off-track. talking abt the city. yeah.. met up with the girls in utopia.. angie was getting her hair done. she spent AUD190. ok la i guess. she cut n dyed her hair. aust has expensive hairstylists.. i remember going to JTs to cut my hair once n it friggin cost me 70 bucks. decided i'd never cut my hair in aust ever again. eesh. anyways when she joined us again, she wanted to have lunch. OMIGOD ANGIE WANTED TO HAVE LUNCH~!!! that's like, the first time man.. not even yesterday, when we went to karrinyup to buy jess's cake(it was jess's b'day). made me suffer n not eat lunch. well yeah, she didn't quite have "lunch". all she ate was one sweet bean pau. kaoz. talk abt suffer man. i oso haven't eat lunch yet so all i had was a sweet bean pau too. wahhhh diet man. dunno how those girls manage to do it. gerald n manross came while we were buying the pau. then we split ways. angie n me stayed with gerald n manross. the rest of the girls went shopping. ahahha.. so funny.. can sense angie trying to flirt with gerald. n gerald oso acting funny. he spent the whole day kinda ignoring me cos angie was around. =P meanie. u like her, like only la.. nuthing to do with me oso.. dun have to go out of ur way to be mean to me.. cos u're still my fren u know.. doesn't mean that cos she like u we can't be frens. idiot. cut long story short, angie left to go back to boarding house, gerald bought me this soft toy dog that i wanted from easy way, gerald left, i bought winnie's present for her b'day lunch tomorrow, angie came back to the city for the boarding house outing, angie saw the dog, angie said,"i hope it wasn't gerald who bought that for u", i said,"no it was manross". ouch. anywayz... who cares la.

aiks.. my post too friggin long. better try n cut it short. parents pick me up at station then went to burswood. had dinner. mum drive home cos stepdad drink over limit. mum got flashed by camera at the side of road. stepdad friggin angry, but my mum n i reckon that it was the car next to us n not actually us. stepdad said we'll see whether a ticket comes a not. hah.. n iris lansi oredi. yesterday went out n call me to join her.. when i call her she didn't answer. too involved with frens. hmmph. fine. nvm. then today i call her go out she dun wanna layan me. grrr.. kakakak... nvm la. i'll forgive u this time. kay kay gonna end this post. gotta sleep early cos have to wake up in time for winnie's lunch tomorrow. kaoz. but wanna go out tonight la. was planning on sneaking out. but no cash. damn damn damn. account drained dry. shitz. i'm officially bankrupt man. maybe gotta start selling my assets. become more liquid. shit. too much accounting. exam over oredi la.. c'mon mannn.. alright alright. gonna take shower. byeeeeeeeeee

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Monday, November 24, 2003

Wah cheh. Met Iris yesterday. Such a nice girl. Say wanna meet at 11.30am. Konon. Met her only at like 2pm or sumthing liddat. n i thought I was LATE. Hmmph. akkaka.. anywayz.. had nice chat purely on nonsense. learn what her life was like in kl. she's a bad bad girl, pplz. kayz, better shut my mouth in case she dun wanna make something for me liao. Remember, Iris...? make a certain 'sumthin' for me, yeah yeah yeah?

Hmm.. been told that my grandad(dad's dad)'s not feeling well. Honestly dun know how to feel about it. I mean, I feel sorry that he's sick n all that, but it's basically like feeling sorry for the plight of the Bosnian people u see on TV. Not to be cold-hearted or anything but I feel no connection to it. Maybe cos I hardly know him. I dun even know what he looks like anymore. So pitiful. *sigh* the only thing i really feel sad about is that i never got to know him. or at least got a chance to say goodbye or something. i'm too far away to say goodbye. my dad's with him at the moment n i can sense his sadness. that's what relli makes me sad; seeing him unhappy. i hope that next time when i grow up n have kids, my children will relli relli know n love their grandfather. no need to know my mum la. there's not much point to it. but my dad is someone they should know. i wish my grandfather will hold on. dun wanna see my dad upset. n i want a chance to say goodbye even if i never really knew him.

Anyways, dun relli have much to say at the moment except that i haven't studied for IC which means that i have to do it tonight. which means that i have to study for Bio AND Accounting tomorrow night. 2 subjects in 1 night. hmmph. which also means i'm screwed. cool.

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Sunday, November 23, 2003

I'm thinking about taking the drastic move n shifting into my own domain. scary... but it's a rather interesting idea. i just dunno whether i have the time to make all the changes etc. at least this only has one page for me to worry about.. *sigh* n then there's also the issue of paying for the hosting. aish. cos i'd have to pay for it myself. well i guess it's alright la but it just means that it can't be something expensive. found one that's only like RM40 per year... but then i gotta do a wire transfer to pay every year...? so troublesome.

feeling nostalgic. lots of things going on. also being super slack. haven't studied at all this weekend. aish. just called Iris on the phone.. seems that she knows an ex-sri klian. hah. who just happens to be the classmate of my ex when i was in std 6. small world indeed. so embarassing. first question she ask was whether i know who fong wai hong is. aiks. yes i know him. the one that i went out with until upsr was over. ouch. akkakaka... what a feeling man. so shy now. dun tell me that's how ppl remember be right...? the one who went out with wai hong... n then she went further to say,"yeah the comp geek." wahhh... no face.. make me even shyer... *blush* hehehehe.. nvm la.. an experience.

right... i have something important to say to a fren of mine. u know who u are.. :
to be honest, i had no idea about what was going on.. maybe i'm not a good friend for not suspecting it, but in all honesty, i really had no idea to what extent the problems were. i mean, i knew there were problems, n there were a few hints n stuff, but i never knew the truth. neither did u tell me about it. well, i guess that's entirely understandable for u not to tell, cos it's not the sort of problem that u tell everyone about. i'm sorry, alright? I really am. i've always thought of myself as being there for u anytime.. i guess i never showed u how much i care for u; that i'd always be there for u, no matter when. i can totally relate to how u feel, cos i'm sort of in the same position. i won't say i feel sorry for u, cos i know u'd hate it. but i feel sad all the same. i also won't say i know how u feel, cos everyone's feelings towards a topic is different.. so all i can say is that i understand. n that i'm really here for u to talk to me. i'd love to be there for u. i'd love to know that i could be the one u choose to lean on. cos u've done it for me a couple of times. dun keep it all in u. i know it's hard.. i do it too. so maybe i can't talk. but know that i mean everything that i say to u. i feel like crying when i read what u wrote.. cos it reminded me of myself.. n i have to urge to hug u when i next see u, but i know i won't bcos i dunno how u'd feel. i always feel as if there's a barrier there cos i only knew of ur prob thru what u wrote n not cos u actually told me. so i wonder, how close am i to u really? do u want to reply on me? should i talk to u and act as if i know what u're talking about? is that what u really want? or would u feel as if i'm pitying u n hate me for it? it's these thoughts that keep me away. maybe that's why u think u can't rely on me - cos even though i know how u're feeling i never actually show u that i care. well i do, n u can cry on me anytime u get sick of ppl crying on u. but beware, i tend to cry when i see others crying. well i guess that's better then. we can be crying together instead. tell me how u feel, alright? i'd really love to know. *hugs* u take care of urself n good luck for the rest of ur exams. thanx for the present too. i'll see u soon. talk to me.

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Thursday, November 20, 2003

*hics* just came across something:

Dua ekor hantu bertemu dan bercerita bagaimana
mereka mati...

Hantu 1 : Bagaimana kau boleh mati?
Hantu 2 : Aku mati akibat kesejukan...
Hantu 1 : Macam mana rasanya mati dlm kesejukkan
tu?
Hantu 2 : Sebenarnya aku terkurung dalam peti
ais... mula-mula aku cuma menggigil, lepas tu
anggota aku mula membeku, kemudian aku rasa
dunia aku gelap dan akhirnya... tapi aku rasa
bersyukur kerana aku mati tanpa banyak
kesakitan....
Hantu 1 : Ishhh.. kesiannya kau
Hantu 2 : Kau pulak, macam mana kau boleh
mati..?
Hantu 1 : Aku kena serangan sakit jantung...
Hantu 2 : Oooo...cam mana kau boleh kena
serangan sakit jantung?
Hantu 1 : Sebenarnya aku dapat tahu isteri aku
curang. Suatu hari, aku balik ke rumah secara
mengejut. Aku nampak ada kasut lelaki kat depan
pintu. Aku tahu mesti isteri aku sedang bermesra
dengan jantan lain.. Aku berlari masuk bilik
tidur, cuma ada isteri aku... aku tahu mesti
jantan tu bersembunyi kat mana-mana.. aku lari
masuk bilik air, tak de jugak, kemudian aku lari
ke tingkat bawah, tengok dalam setor, pun tak
ade.. aku lari naik tingkat atas semula, tengok
dalam almari... sebab terlalu penat aku berlari
la aku kena sakit jantung... memang sakit dan
akhirnya....
Hantu 2 : Apasal kau tak tengok dalam peti
ais...kalau tak, kita berdua masih hidup lagi
sekarang ni...

those of u who can't understand n relli wanna know what it is... contact me somehow n i'll give u a personally translated version. akakaka.. it just seems so funny. damn long oredi din read stuff in malay. surprisingly i can still understand every single word. then again, the BM is fairly simple.. but why jantan? Why not lelaki or something like that. yeesh. makes him sound like a male animal or something. kekkeke

what the heck am i still doing online man... u know why? cos my long-lost fren elaine just came online after disappearing for gawd knows how many months.. i think roughly abt a year liao. so ya la.. no choice but to stay n talk to her. right. now that she's gone... i'm gonna go study for english. cos otherwise i won't have anything to write on tomorrow. n that wouldn't be funny at all. =P by the way everyone, elaine got friendster liao..~!! so hurry n add her! that is of cos... if u still remember her old email add la. she's still using the same one.

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Right... now that my b'day is over... i can talk normally n sto being hyperactive. hiak. as if there is such a thing. shall i go into detail abt yesterday? i guess i might start n see how i go...

i barely slept the night b4... was studying for GNT trying to finish all the past exam papers.. there were 5 n i got 4 done. i guess that's alright.. n top of that i had to do my 4-page note sheet which i only started at like 3am or so. can't believe that i spend the transition period between 15 n 16 yrs of age doing work. that's like so not fun. it's kinda sad but oh well. anyways, my sis n i actually planned for her to be the 1st to wish me a happy b'day. at 11.55pm sharp she was gonna call me n i must not be on the phone. yeah, that WAS the plan. i stopped talking to gerald at 11.45 i think. then Boon Wy n Siong Seng called. i spoke to them till 11.57pm then said i had to go.. but b4 i hung up, Jess smsed me, followed closely by Raena. When I hung up, there was a short pause.. n then Kevin called. ahahhaha.. seems like a race. After Kevin then only my sis called.. Boon Wy n Siong Seng rang again n those two crazy ppl... singing songs n playing guitar while i did another maths paper... So things didn't quite go according to plan. I'm happy all the same. Lots of pressies.. but my parents didn't get me anything though. akakka... they say waiting till after exam. bullshit. nvm la. i dun relli care anyway.

N I SHALL PASS MY GNT EXAM. Oooohhh yeah~!! ahahaha... mrs scott said to me the other day,"do u mean to say that u dunno 50% of the year's work?? *silence* ..... i'm sure u'll be fine.." wah. talk about confidence boost. hmm... anyway.. it wasn't too bad la. so i dun wanna complain too much abt it in case i jinx my results. well, the worst one is down. next is english. i got a B on my Lord of the Flies essay. excuuuussseee mee. i think i did so much better than a B. Mrs Sharman thinks so too. I actually got a B- but she made Mr Mandel (the idiot who marked my paper. what luck) read it again. n he changed it to a B. aish.. mrs sharman said that he likes long extended answers but my style of writing is very short n concise which gives me an advantage in exam conditions. whippee~!! but she said she's hoping for a good mark from me in the exam. aiks. pressure la. eesh.

after exam, had my music lesson.. ahahha ms burgess gave me some chocolate wrapped up in purple fancy thingies.. n there's a candy cane stuck to it as well. a big one, i might add. ekkekek... yeah.. n then my frens n i had cake. hah. funny incident. we were trying to light the candles.. but the wind kept blowing them out. *it's not easy to light 16 candles with strong wind around* n then the teacher on lunch duty came up to us n said, "for a minute there i thought u were arsonists or sumthing" akakaka... yeah.. she tried helping us with the candles.. but we only got like 10 lit n then all said that it was good enuff la under the conditions. we even gave the teacher a piece of cake. now here comes the fun part... My L's... went home to get my documentation (passport, ID etc etc), n then i thought i'd better take a trial test 1st b4 i sat for the real thing. went to dl the test but it took so friggin long. after an hour, i finally sat the trial test. twice. 1st got 24/30. barely pass. 2nd got 28. wah...confident. so i told my dad that i'm ready... but then when we got there... sign up n everything etc, when it came to actually sitting the test... no more confidence liao. some of the questions were same as in the trial ler.. but there were a whole lot then i never even think abt b4. maybe cos i din read the driving bk but anywayz... i passed... 25/30. lucky me. there was another girl in there with me. she oso got 25. ahahahha funny. but now i got a piece of yellow paper with my name on it saying i can now learn to drive with a tutor. ooh yeahhh... SCORE~!! hah. n the lady at the driving centre wished me a happy b'day. *hics*

right...i better go n eat my brunch. it's actually breakfast cos it's been sitting there since 7 this morning. my mum thought i was going to skool today so she woke me up. n then i came online n got so caught up that i haven't eaten but now my tummy is grumbling so much that i can't ignore it. so i'm gonna have a nice brunch all to myself. right. to those of u who have finished ur exams... esp SPM.. have fun n enjoy it. while i suffer in misery. eesh.

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Must make big announcement 1st....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME~!!

Hhehehe... to be exact... it's only 15 mins left but yeah... i planned to blog last night but i was so caught up in studying for GNT. Akakkaak...

anyways, just needed to let the whole wide world know that it's still my b'day for the moment..
but it's about to end soon... n so i'm sixteen oredi. n i dun feel special. n i got my L's directly after i finished my exam.
shall expand on it later. doing too many things at once.. talking to frens, on phone with gerald... posting this. so yeah. night night. n happy b'day to me one last time.... hehehehe.... *hugs* to everyone. I'm a happy chappy.

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Monday, November 17, 2003

Hmm... i can see my thursday's post has half disappeared. I'm pretty sure i wrote more than a paragraph, as i always do. but then it was replaced by the sg girl's post. n i deleted that bit cos it was showing my blog. but then i dunno where the rest of my post went to. Ooohh i just got it...~!! My Thursday's post was supposedly my Wednesday post.. if u did read it, u'd have seen that i said that the whole thing i typed up disappeared..? well the first paragraph is posted on thursday. hmm... funny. dunno why that happened seeing as i didn't even come online on thursday.

Anyways, doesn't matter. I just got busted by my mum half an hour ago for taking a shower. *hics* correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't it advisable for humans to take a shower? isn't it UNHYGIENIC to not take a shower? maybe i'm just weird, but I spent 16 years of my life believing that it was normal to take showers.. hmm..maybe SHE doesn't take showers.. weird. she came banging on the bathroom door accusing me of wasting water. ???? what the... i mean, i know it's only late that i'm taking a shower, but still... i did spend all evening studying. maybe that would be why i didn't have a shower earlier? so what exactly was i supposed to do? go to sleep without a shower n then wake up the next day n shower? nah...i dun think so. she's weird. honestly. btw she banged on my door twice. first time to ask me why i'm taking a shower at this time; the 2nd to accuse me of wasting water. right.... no comment there.

Watched TV for first time in sooo long. akakka.. This was on Saturday, n i didn't go to work cos i was "studying" for exams. anyway.. watched this show called Cadet Kelly starring Lizzie Mcguire's Hillary Duff. such a blonde i must say. I can't stand Hillary Duff. Anyway, one of the main characters in the show was pretty I reckon - Christy Romano. well i thought she was pretty in the show but then when i went to search for pics of her.. i couldn't find one where she was pretty like in the show.. hmm.. nvm. i got one that's close enuff. Here:

Christy Romano

As I was saying before.. i can't stand Hillary Duff. The worst thing was that I actually watched the Lizzie Mcguire TV series(some Lizzie Mcguire marathon thing) n then a cartoon n the Cadet Kelly.. which means i got quite a lot of Hillary Duff on Saturday. Her character in Cadet Kelly is so much like lizzie mcguire. eesh. can't stand. only watched cadet kelly cos i liked christy romano's pretty face. *hics* akkakka.. alright, hair dry liao. gonna go sleep b4 my mum catches me online n accuses me of wasting electricity or something random. nite nite. give my mum nightmares for me pls. =)

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Sunday, November 16, 2003

Damn I'm procrastinating. Been doing it since I started "studying". Shitz. now can feel the panic gripping me oredi. Surprisingly I'm not so stressed concerning the other subjects cos I'm quite confident that I'll pass la even if I dun get a good mark. But when it comes to GNT I gotta at least pass the exam to get a C.. so kinda panic regarding that. I've been focussing on GNT non-stop since I started on Friday but the worst thing is that, from Friday till now, I haven't even finish one exam paper yet.. n I have to finish it all by Monday night.. where can la? Wah.. relli panic now man. no kidding oredi. Need to get myself motivated. so thought i'd go online, watch tv, do all the fun stuff... get it all out of the way n then sit down n study only. no break. gawd. hate year 11. know i'm gonna hate yr 12 even more.

Jeri's selling me her books.. yay. no need to buy from skool. lazy to arrange it la.. so disorganized. somemore now got no sis to remind me etc etc. hmm.. just saw something weird. on my screen where i can see all my previous posts.. can see someone else's post merged with mine. funny thing is it doesn't appear on the original site. just on my screen. i think she or he is a singaporean. i think it's a she. anyways, it's gone now. weird..

Got so much to do in the next 3 days.. Gerald's coming over tomorrow.. i'm tutoring him Foundations of Maths n Accounting, he's teaching me Bio. Actually I dun relli need his help la. He just wants to make himself feel better. Hah. Gerald, hope u read this. =P kekekek.. nvm la. do come tomorrow. but u gotta miss call me until i reject ur call kayz? in case i haven't wake up yet la. but damn man.. i relli gotta finish my gnt papers then can see Mrs Scott on Tuesday.. have to see Mr Chidgey at 12.30, gotta help Kate with Accounting at 10.30. blardee hell; i've just decided to stay in skool whole day on Tuesday la. might as well. geez. Hmm.. maybe I should call GNT tutor to come on Monday for an hour or so? Argh. Stress. Then Wed start GNT exam. 9.05-11.30. shitz. then got music lesson at 12.30, Ms Burgess better give me something nice man. seeing as i come in during exam n also that it's MY BIRTHDAY~!!!! Hehehe.. not exciting la this year. dunno why. maybe exam. aish. nvm. got present from Steph Wong oredi. Wheeee... Hmm.. which reminds me, I wanna go get my L's after my music lesson. I think Jess coming for the test with me. She oso wanna get hers. I think Jess, Raena etc are planning something for me on that day. Raena kinda let it slip the other day n I said, "wait ya, u let me go out of the room 1st." kekeke.. pity. she felt so embarassed. damn. now gotta take that into consideration when i ask my mum to come pick me up. okayz.. so on top of everything... i have to study the book on road rules b4 wed. damn damn damn. right.. it's past 3 liao. gonna study. *sigh*

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Thursday, November 13, 2003

*aiks* Bio test was pretty alright... the multiple choice sucked to the max but other than that it was fine la.. i was stressing over it during lunch.. but all the stuff that i made myself memorise didn't come out so i felt kinda shitty.. but the GNT one relli sucked la.. i mean.. i thought it sucked but Thira managed to get 100% so i got nuthing to say liao. even steph seah said it was alright but then they are smartarses so i can't relli say anything.

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blardee hell...i just only finish typing my post so nice... click publish n then the whole friggin this disappear. same thing happen in friendster.. type nice long testimonial to jeri n boon wy... both oso gone just like that. aish. fed up. now lazy to retype the whole thing back again so i'm just gonna skim thru.

Bio test was alright, multiple choice sucked. spent the whole of lunch time stressing about it. useless. what i study din come out at all. GNT sucked big time. but Thira managed to get 100%. even Steph Seah said it was alright. she got 88%. but then again they are such smartarses so i got nuthing to say. Got Chem test back... no comment. better than my in-class assignment la but i think i could do better than that. Got 83% for IC. hyuk... haven't had such a high mark in such a long time. akkakak... anyways getting chem prac book back tomorrow. better get decent mark man... i need it. chem prac exam was good. got 28/30. Jess got 18.5 i think. Ouch. nvm la... the chem test n assignment she beat me. oh yah... i feel so bad u know... cos yesterday when i ponteng skool, i accidentally took her GNT notes home with me so she had to sit her test without it... oops. so sorry jess...

erm... what else did i say ar? oh yeah.. something about angie trying to test us. she send gerald an sms this evening asking whether he'll be talking to me tonight n to ask me where i was at lunch time cos she couldn't find me.. ??? what the heck..? where i was at lunch time? sitting right next to her until she decided to go to the library to do her ESL. hah. but then again maybe the sms was from yesterday. dunno la. who cares. i dun. lazy to fight with her. got better things to do.

n i also wrote something regarding my sis... very very long paragraph. but then i lazy to type the whole thing. cos my mum scolding me oredi. so i type tomorrow la. but jsut to give an idea as to what it's about. my first sentence was that i hate jimmy, my sis's bf or ex or whateva he is. i still hate him. yeah. i shall continue this tomorrow. nite nite... aaaahhhh... mummy wanna whack me.....~!!! *runs away* Bye~!!!

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Tuesday, November 11, 2003

damn didn't do any work at all.. eat lunch n then went to sleep. haiz..means tonight gotta stay up n study, question myself as to why i'm not studying at the moment but instead am online, typing on this, n talking to gerald at the same time. yah...why? i oso dunno why. aiks...gerald dun take it the wrong way... not as if i dowan to talk to u... my emphasis on the question is why i'm not studying. akakak... so many excuses..

yups that's right ppl...gerald knows about this liao. so now i gotta watch what i say cos otherwise he'll get angry with me n behave like a small boy, yah gerald? kekekeke... =) study hard, silly... then we ponteng skool together after exam yah? but i dunno whether can a not... u know la...there's only so many car accidents my cousin can have rite? n mrs thompson says she expects us to be there every day of Year 11 week unless we have a very good reason. so i can help u ponteng la.. dunno whether u can help me anymore. =P anyways... dun stress over ur project. as u said now got ppl helping u oredi right? *hugs*

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*hics* over-reaction. now cool down liao feeling so silly. *sighz* oh well... better to have too many emotions rather than none. later ppl call me cold-hearted.. but if u're cold-hearted u wouldn't get hurt but then ppl won't like u.. well u wouldn't notice anyway cos u'd be too cold-hearted. heee.... i always ponder this question.. is it better to see a beggar n feel sorry for him n not do anything about it (eg just walk away) or would it be better to have seen him but didn't feel any sympathy for him whatsoever? i mean, if u felt it but ignored it wouldn't u be so evil? whereas if u're cold-hearted initially no one can blame u for ignoring the beggar cos u honestly didn't feel any pity for him. so who's better than the other?

Anyways, i ponteng skool today. akakkaka... first time in so long. last time had my sis to help me ponteng n in kl so easy to ponteng. but since my sis go melb n left me behind....i never ponteng yet man... today's my first time. hmmph. have to thank gerald for it. he rang the skool n said that my cousin was in a car accident n i gotta go home urgently. hiak. right. so yeah... here i am at home. no need to hand in english essay n sit my GNT test today. yay~!!! but then...that means that i gotta do my GNT test tomorrow..hand in my english essay n do my Bio test as well. aiks. so many things. annoying la.. i mean exams are like sometime next week. the friggin thing starts on my b'day. n i have GNT on that day too. *sigh* shouldn't we be doing revision instead of sitting test after test after test? but then again..i guess tests are a form of revision. that's the only way i'd start studying now cos if it weren't for the tests i wouldn't study. not that i do now anyway. i should probably start. exams so soon oredi. feeling slack.

me gerald angie n unggul kinda sorted things out oredi. it's been a LOOONNNNGGGG weekend. I spent Sunday afternoon in Steph Wong's house writing up a whole year's worth of Chem prac stuff in one day. I barely made the deadline. *hics* slacker. Unggul called me at 7 in the morning to talk about angie etc etc. eesh. i set my alarm for 7.30 cos i wanted to do my work... thought i could make the most of my sleep but then he had to call...disrupt me. hmmph. if i had known that i wouldn't start doing any work till 12 then i might as well have woken up at 1 or something. no diff. anyway things are kinda sorted out. i think there's still tension between me n angie; kinda obvious in skool. but now we make it a point to tease her abt gerald. pretend as if this whole damned thing never happen. she said to me,"Jenn, I relli thought u were gonna slap me or something about this, u know..." n i said to her, "yeah i was gonna slap u when i found out u were telling him about my personal life. in case u dunno, personal also means PRIVATE..n not only was i gonna slap u, i was also gonna strangle n kill u. Hmmph. some fren u are." akkaka... i'm evil. n then later on she said, "Jenn, can i ask u something? Are we meant to be competing with each other?" My response: "I take it we're talking about Gerald. Hah! Who's competing with YOU? Who wanna compete with u anyway. You're the only one in the competition. I'm not fighting for him. Why would I? n anyway, if i wanted to compete against u, u'd never win. =)" AKkaka....n i DID say i was kidding. But Jess who was sitting beside us was laughing her head off. She was amused by the whole thing. I'm glad I made someone happy. AIsh.

Everybody's been talking about travelling recently.. everyone's going somewhere.. now that it's nearing the end of the year. Sui Lin going Melb next feb, gerald going back to singapore for 2 months, but he's going sweden as well... lots of ppl going back to their home countries... Jess is going back to Indo on the 27/ 28th of Nov. Which means that she's missing out on the last week of skool. *sigh*... I'm gonna be alone here for a month. I dun relli wanna go UK. I'm going to London for a wedding. I dun even know whose wedding it is. neither do i care. they're not part of my family n frankly i relli dun wanna go. It's quite funny cos like ever since i came here, I've changed quite a bit. When i was in kl, my attitude used to be like, "Holiday ar? Go London, US, Switzerland etc etc.. Must have espensive stuff. want nice car. Go posh skool." Basically acting like a rich brat la... but now i dun wan all that stuff. i wanna go back to kl.. i wanna study in sri kl. i dowan go holiday in UK, instead I wanna go Indo to visit Tera, Jess n the rest.. I wanna go Singapore to see what Jeri's n Gerald's lives are like... n most of all, I wanna go KL n see my frens n jsut be home. dowan all the expensive stuff anymore. I just want the cheaper stuff. Dun wanna study in St Mary's where the skool fees are like AUD10,000 or something like that. only wanna study in Sri KL which is RM4000 per semester. *sigh* u get my drift la. the thing is...cos everyone's talking about going home... n everyone's stressing about exams n everyone's just so highly strung n depressed... it's also starting to get to me.. Eesh. hate it. i wanna be happy. I shall be happy for the next few days, I promise. n i shall study tonight but no promises. akakkka... =)

A little smile

Sometimes a little smile is all it takes to make someone feel better

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Saturday, November 08, 2003

News update...

I'm tearing as i write this n it's quite amusing. imagine this... a 16 year old girl sitting in front of the comp crying cos of her fren's evilness.

Gerald just msged me accusing me of sending Unggul a pic of me n him... as if to say i wan him to get bashed up by unggul.. excuse me... but i never freely send my pics to ppl. i hate sending my pics to ppl. he should know that by now. n anyway the only 2 pics that i ever sent to unggul are the one of angie herself n the group one that's on my blog. correct me if i'm wrong but i'm pretty sure that gerald's not in any of those pics unless gerald happened to pretend to be a girl n i didn't realize it lar. blardee hell. msg to gerald if u ever get to read this seeing as u dun even know about this blog: dun give me this bullshit about how u have 100% trust in me cos if u did u would know that i would never send unggul a pic of u. why would i waste my time warning u about him n then turn around n let him bash u up, u idiot?!?! farkin hell. i give up. u lead ur own life n i'll lead mine. bastard. if u think i'm that kinda person then go fark urself cos i'm not what u think i am. go ahead n trust her. i want u to prove me right but at the same time u want u to prove me wrong. both had pros for me. if u prove me right, then i'd never speak to u again...u'd be giving me a reason to hate both u n angie. i dun mind. if u prove me wrong...i can act all smug n i can pity u when u come crawling back asking me to forgive u. n i can oredi imagine what u're gonna say. u're gonna say sorry that u never believed me...sorry that u hurt me n all that crap. i can smugly say,"see? i was right." n u deserve it.

u also said that u din wanna meet angie today n the only reason why u would go see her is cos u were passing her my disc. but i know u met her today. n u didn't even burn the disc for me. liar. dun expect me to trust u if u're continuously lying to me. n dun give me this bullshit about how u're just doing that so that u won't hurt me. trust me.. it will always hurt even more if i have to find out for myself. i wish u never existed. i wish unggul would bash u up. i wish he'd beat u into a measly pulp. maybe then i can forget u. forget u ever existed. forget what u did. maybe then i'd forgive angie too. but as it is...i probably never will.

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PS: This is a long post filled with ranting, so if u're not up to it, i suggest u skip it. =)

*aiks* i reckon this time the rift between me n gerald is unmendable. we're both being stubborn this time. he dun wanna say sorry for the things that he said n i... well i never say sorry unless i believe that i'm wrong..which is not very often. akakka... fine call me evil or whatever. i dun care. cos it doesn't relli matter. i think he's decided to get with angie, if only to spite me. well go ahead, u bastard cos i relli dun care at all. n i told u i'd never speak to u again cos we've been thru all the pros n cons of u getting with her. u say u're doing this to find out whether it's her or me that's lying. i know that's bullshit. u just wanna get with her. well go ahead n do it then. i'm not gonna stop u. but dun come crying back to me. cos i'm not taking it anymore. so there. =P

7.29pm Just had dinner. it was quite measly.. *sshhh* dun say a word cos my mum will get upset. *hics* she'll call me ungrateful. akakka... my parents are fighting..it's kinda strange. reminds me of me n my sis whenever we were younger n we tried not to speak to each other after a fight. well apparently my stepdad was "rude" to my mum. i can't quite understand this cos to me he's ALWAYS rude. but anyway... my mum says she doesn't wanna talk to him until he apologizes n i know he's not going to. hah. so they won't ever talk to each other n then the family will break apart n then my mum will go hunting for another guy who's rich enough to give her a decent life. *hics* i'm a very cynical person. but that's my view of my mum. Come to think of it...we have mother's day n father's day every year to thank them for what they've done for us.. why dun we have childrens' day for parents to thank us for being good people? for tolerating their nonsense as much as they tolerate ours? is it cos we know that the children who have to put up with lots of crap will grow up n leave their parents behind n that there's no point thanking them cos they dun relli care anymore? *aiks* being cynical. eesh. i probably should stop ranting now.

But I can feel myself going into one of those moods again. this is weird. it's been happening quite regularly recently. there was one time when i was throwing a tantrum about going back n my mum got so angry with me that she shouted, "I DUNNO WHAT TO DO WITH U ANYMORE LA. GO N SEE A BLODDY PSYCHIATRIST N FIGURE OUT WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!!" Well...something along that lines la. she did ask me to go see a psychatrist. *hics* well if i have a mental problem it's all her fault. =P

Well something just came up recently... my dad (the real one) asked my mum whether me n my sis stay in kl to see him for a while n u know what my mum said...? Only for 5 days... *aish* n out of the 5 days... 2-3 days will be spent in johor. so that means i won't be in kl for long. i dun wanna think abt it anymore cos i know i'll cry if i do. n especially since i had such a terrible fight with gerald etc n knowing what angie's been saying about me to him..aish i relli dun wanna think of anything to make me cry. eesh. *annoyed* i mean..i always knew that angie couldn't be trusted la.. but to think that she'd tell ppl abt my private life.. which is meant to be personal of course.. but that she'd exaggerate n make it seem so bad...hmmph. no comment. she doesn't know that i know about it n i'm not gonna tell her. i won't be mean to her, neither will i tell her off for it... i'll just be nice n smile at her, knowing that i'd be the good one n she'd be the evil bitch. i mean...come on larrr.... if u want gerald, have him. i'm not gonna put up a fight over him. dun have to backstab me n lie about me to make him dislike me. cos then u'd just be lying to urself. stupid cow. Anyways, no matter what I'll try my best not to hate u n gerald. it's not ur fault u're an evil bitch. it's part of ur personality that no one knows about except ur frens. maybe that's why u dun have many girl friends. cos it's only to them that u show the true u. i pity gerald. cos he'll be getting with someone he thinks he knows but doesn't. yes maybe i hate him for lying to me... n for not listening to my warning after we've both decided that u're evil. but who can blame him for falling for a pretty n "innocent" face like urs? so no...i'll try not to hold it against him. n i hope that u're reading this. i hope that if raena reads this that she'll tell u about it. i hope u read it n know how i feel about u cos then u'll know why none of ur friends like u. u'll know why we couldn't care less about u. because we know that u'd abandon us anytime for any guy. n no one needs a "friend" like u. it's ppl like u who drive me away. make me clamp up cos i regret what i've ever told u. so now i won't be able to open up in all this time that i'll be in perth. only cos u were too selfish. maybe try to stop n think abt others once in a while but i guess it'd be too hard for u. u tell me u hate backstabbing ppl. i dunno what u consider backstabbing... but i think that u dun have to say mean things abt ppl to backstab. to tell their personal stuff is enough. whether or not it's true. Bitch. alright...rather long paragraph. i'm moving on. leave u behind.

Tee hee...i drifted off my point. i was talking about kl... n suddenly i'm talking about angie n gerald? akakka... oh well... yeah as i was saying...i relli wanna go home...i need to go home. aish.. at least there...i know that the ppl that i can talk to would never tell others my problems or anything regarding my personal life. ahahha... at least i dun think so la. n even if they did...it's only like...way after the whole thing is over..n at least it's safe to talk about it. somehow i dun get angry when they tell others about my life. maybe cos it doesn't seem so important.. maybe cos i regard my friendship more important than the fact that they betrayed my trust. but here, i haven't been friends with them for long. just when i open up, she goes n tells gerald...well...u get what i'm trying to say. damn i miss home.

maybe i SHOULD go see a counsellor or something. will probably end up being diagnosed with clinical depression. akakka... eesh. u ppl reading this...dun think i'm insane/suicidal/dark etc etc... i'm just in one of those times n even though i've been in "one of those times" a lot recently...honestly there's a lot more to me than being depressed. i'm not relli like this. n i never used to be till i came here. so yeah. i am truly a happy person. but i'm very sensitive towards certain things. n this blog is the only place that i can let out what i'm truly feeling. btw u should probably know that the reason why this post is so long n so filled with unhappiness is cos i've been holding it back for quite some time now. yeah.

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Thursday, November 06, 2003

BIG fight with Gerald last night... Hah! I mean BIG. I actually hung up on him n ppl who know me will know that i hate doing that cos i never want ppl to do it to me. but yeah i did it. couldn't take it anymore. make me sooo angry. anywayz, he tried calling me back. 8 time altogether i think. 3 i rejected.. the other 5 i just ignored la. couldn't be bothered. oh well. not an ounce of remorse in me. i am evil. *hics* i lurve life.

Been a busy week since Monday; no kidding. well everyone knows about the useless GNT assignment oredi. dun wanna talk about it. I got it back today.. aish. i passed at least. by 9%. akakkaka... even Jess didn't do that well. she got 66% i got a friggin 59% but i guess it's ok la.. i didn't actually expect to pass anyway so 59 is good enough. i dun wanna be greedy when it comes to GNT.

The IC one was better. The in-class check was easy ler.. but i dun wanna be overconfident in case i find out that i totally screwed it when i get it back. n the chapel singing totally sucked as well. eesh..could hear my voice breaking n straining. friggin nervous. hah. got better the more times we sang it la. but still...i know i've done better. n i stuffed it up only cos i was nervous. *hics* dunno what to tell Ms Burgess when I see her tomorrow. she's gonna spank me man..no kidding. this time not even bribing her with chocolate is gonna help me.. But I'm bringing Jess n Steph Seah along with me to my lesson tomorrow. so maybe she won't be so hard on me.. kekekek.. we are already starting to prepare for CAPAF next year man.. kinda early i reckon seeing as CAPAF is only sometime in August next yr.. n we're starting preparations now bcos of what happened this year. *hics* i still think it's too early. by the time august comes.. i'll probably have forgotten it all. oh well...it's her decision. Anyway, thank u Steph (Wong) for initiating the applause at the beginning of chapel... *all shy now*

Had my Chem prac exam today after skool. One whole hour to do 2 experiments. More than enough time. Heeeehhh.. I'm a cheat. We're allowed to do planning beforehand n also bring notes in.. I got my whole plan from Jenn Truong n Shokria. Jenn oredi did hers yesterday...so she gave me major hints n stuff... she even told me the range of the results ler so i knew what to expect. Shokria gave me the initial plan n then Jenn fixed it up for me.. akakka...i have nice frens. can cheat. if only all exams were like that. yeesh. n i'm so angry with mr chidgey. the last chem open-book assignment that we had was so friggin hard. no kidding. almost the entire class failed it..me included. hah. i got 9. out of 39. akkakak~!!!! so amazing. oh well. it's only one la. n i'm not the lowest. rachel got 7 n someone else got 4 or 5 i can't remember who. i dun relli care anyway. but i have a TEST on the same topics tomorrow n so i probably should go n study or something. yeahhh...that would be a good idea.

I feel like i got more to say in the first place...but i seem to have forgotten it all so i guess i shall go study..or sleep. whichever one comes first.

Oooohh yeahhh~!! KAkaka... just remembered something.. we voted for house captains today. *aiks* saw my name for music, dance AND community. ?!?!?! wat the heck... so embarassing.. wanted to destroy all the sheets. but i doubt i'd get it anyway. so tight competition. n anyway i'm not a very outstanding person. no one relli knows what i do in my free time so yeah... i bet Lyndl will get Music Captain. heh..can't see myself as music captain. got big plans but too shy to execute. it'd be funny though if i got the part. i seriously doubt i'd get dance...n not likely for community. so music would be my best option..but if u wanna count a vote based on popularity..i still bet Lyndl will get it. I think there was someone else who wanted to be Music captain as well. but i can't remember anymore. Btw..did this thing in RAP where u calculated ur Body Mass Index... i'm seriously underweight.. desirable is 21-27.. i'm at 17. *gasp* have now decided to start binge-eating program. Right..now I'm gonna study/sleep while i eat that big packet of chips lying on my bed. In addition to that packet of Baci chocolates I bought to inculge my craving which i blame entire on Steph Wong for triggering.

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Tuesday, November 04, 2003

GOOD LUCK FOR SPM-ers~!!!

All the best to all those Form Fivers who are currently doing their SPM. *hics* i dun have to do mine... aakkaka.. at least nuthing close to it..not till next year la. Well..special g'luck to Hon Faai, Elaine, Yen Teng, Ee Lynn, Melanie, Wai Soon, Siong Seng, Sin Hue, Belinda, Xu-Xanna, Zue Wen, Chiew Keng, Chun Min, Daniel.... etc etc etc...If I forgot anyone...let me know n I'll add ur name to the list. Akakkak...~!!

Wah....tired... I spent the whole of last night doing my GNT assignment supposedly due today... n the blardee teacher said that the 'take-home' part is worth NUTHING! ABSOLUTELY NUTHING~!!! Grr...wasted my time stressing. n of cos la...they would make the in-class check so friggin hard that even if i'd done the assignment properly..i wouldn't have been able to do it anyway.. *sigh* even Jess n Steph Seah said it was damn hard.. what about me then? guaranteed fail. Cheh. dun wanna try anymore. useless crap. n then i now just only finished my IC assignment due tomorrow.. actually i almost finished long time ago wan.. (this is not an excuse, alright??) but i left my assignment somewhere.. i dunno where oso. i tot it was in my GNT file cos i remember placing both the assignments together... but it's not in the file.. n it's not in my IC file either... so it's either in my room somewhere or else in my locker. but i dun remember seeing it there. anyways, so i had to get Steph Wong to fax me the whole 13 pages... then i had to clear all her answers... n do the whole damned paper AGAIN...~!! Yeesh.. angry. so hardworking oso no point.

Supposed to do English oral last night as well but couldn't be bothered after i finished GNT so i told Gerald to ring me at 5.45am to wake me up n do my work...but of cos..knowing me..i didn't wake up.. Akaka...15 missed calls. the previous nite was 20. both times oso cannot wake up. but the phone was on silent la.. Whoops..i forgot to change it to loud or something. Kekke... oh well.. i didn't do it today cos one member absent.. so maybe tomorrow.. but then i oredi panicked at recess n in the morning..so my speech sort of done liao..it's just very dodgy that's all. oh well...who cares. i know i don't

Singing in Chapel tomorrow.. gotta go skool early to practise with Gladys n Jess... Jess is singing with me.. Gladys playing piano. gahh...nervous.. i still can't get the beginning right. scared my voice break halfway.. better drink lots of water before so that i dun croak in the middle of the stupid song. Hmmph...I hope Ms Burgess is happy now. Who the hell put me on the list to perform in chapel anyway? Gahhhh~!! Anyways..better go "sleep" now..or at least go practise la. i can do it if Jess isn't around.. once she starts singing then i go off-key. Akakak..should shoo her away..but then i'd be doing solo.. yerr...dowan!! nvm i'll learn to deal with her. anyways.. niteee nite..!!

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Sunday, November 02, 2003

Hello hello....haven't been blogging in a while.. feeling kinda lazy. in every way. just remembered that i have a GNT assignment due tomorrow cos Shokria rang me n asked me how to do a question.. of cos i din tell her that i haven't started la... i just say that the very question that she asking me..is the one that i oso dunno how to do.. ahaha...so ngam wan. akakkaka... *evil* oh well...can't blame me. i'm a professional liar by nature.

Feeling a bit melancholic today.. Just watched Guy singing 'Can't Take My Eyes Of You' on Australian Idol. This the very first time that I watched more than 10 mins of it...but yeah...reminded me of Alvin. Ahahaha...again...i should probably get over it soon. Oh well...i will one day.

On Wednesday night...i was so pissed off regarding angie n gerald that i forgot to post an important note.. the fact that i COOKED..~!! AKakka.. Jennifer...cooking...incredible man. This is probably like one of the first times that I actually had to cook a proper dinner...n u know what i cooked?? Steak n lamb chops man...n also mushrooms. My mum marinated everything oredi...but they were gonna be back late...so I had to cook it.. n I was supposed to cook potatoes but couldn't be bothered..so mushrooms it was.. Amazing...it was quite funny la..not even 5 mins into starting n i oredi almost burnt the pot. Ooops.. yeah...i couldn't quite handle it but apparently it turned out alright. or maybe my parents were just saying that to make me feel better...n yesterday...i cooked AGAIN!! But this time it was lemon chicken..cos my mum only cooked soup...n i didn't feel like it. so i said i'd cook my own dinner.. n yeah... it was alright la...i've had better.. my mum had to help me fry the chicken cos i absolutely suck. Hah. To my future husband out there, wherever u are...u better be a good cook. cos i certainly am not.

Angie's ex keeps calling me. crazy bastard.. he calls me like 10 times a day. blardee annoying. another gerald, i'm serious. actually i guess he's worse than gerald..i never had to ignore his calls b4. at least he doesn't call me like 20 times if i dun answer. idiot. n i dun even have anything to talk to him about except angie..so boring. dunno what to say..n so i just keep laughing. blardee hell. n last nite he was drunk..n he called me at 3am.. n i was friggin tired cos i gotta work today (Galleria had Sunday trading today) n i said, "sorry but I'm working tomorrow" n he was like,"What??!?! YOU WANT ME?!? YOU WANT ME?!?!" So i was thinking that he was an idiot with pathetic hearing n a very big head. no of cos i do not want u. why would i want a player who would get with me n then find another girl? crazeee... damn, he just called... i can't ignore him for long u know..

n i should probably start on my GNT assignment... otherwise i'll be up till late tonight

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